too f%#king close

Last night I almost lost it.  It’s been a hard month or so (as noted by my last post).  The stress and anxiety are just getting worse.  I start thinking about drinking around noon now, and it doesn’t stop until after dinner.  This has been going on for what seems like F.O.R.E.V.E.R.  I am so tired of it.   I cried like a baby the other night on my way home because I could not stop for a drink.  It was a pity party.  I have never cried because I couldn’t have a drink before.  I came close to that again last night.  I was even scoping out restaurants where I could go for drinks and dinner.  A serious decision was in the works. Guess I’m fortunate to not have any good restaurants close to my house or I would have stopped.  I was so close to throwing it all in.

Of course, this morning I am grateful that I did not give in.  But it’s not a wipe the brow, issue a “shew” and praise the day type grateful.  I’m just glad I feel good and am hangover free.  I still want a drink.

This sucks.

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memory lane

I am closing in on 9 months sober this time around.  And it still has its rough spots. That witching hour is just the worst.  Really.  It started again full force about 2 weeks ago. I’m assuming it’s because I’m currently under lots of stress.  Self inflicted stress but stress nonetheless.  It’s a grin and bear it – almost white knuckle – situation. That 4pm to 7pm just sucks.  Hate it, hate it.

Because of this sudden turn of events, I decided to go back in my posts to what 9 months was like the last time I did this  it’s still cyclical. . .  It’s like deja vu.  Same stuff different day.

Knowing that for me, this is “normal”, and knowing that I will get through it no worse for wear gives me hope.  So a thanks to myself for blogging what I was feeling back then as it has come back to help me this time 🙂

Namaste

keep going

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a must read. . .

Had to jump in here and let you all know that I just finished reading Mrs. D is Going Without’s book by the same name.  A shout out to Mrs. D for such a wonderful look into the lives of us alcoholics from the end to the beginning.  So honest, so revealing, so truthful, so REAL.

She did a marvelous job of spelling it out – how it feels to be addicted and have that non-stop chatter in your head about the booze FOR MONTHS after putting it down.  Giving tips and hints on how she handled different circumstances.  This was HER story but in so many ways, it is all of ours. Sure, our beginnings may be different, our lowest of lows may be different, but when all is said and done, we all experience the same guilt, despair, hatred, and anger with ourselves for continuing to drink.  We also share the same brain battles at the beginning of sobriety that a normie just doesn’t get.  We totally ‘get’ those pink clouds.  And Mrs. D relates it all in a wonderful tale of survival.

Kudos Mrs. D and thanks so much for writing your story.

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hiatus

Have decided to take some time off from writing.  I will continue to be a lurker and read everyone’s blogs as this keeps me “in check”.  All is well.  Closing in on day 180.  Life is good.

Namaste

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a trip to remember

Time to check in.  The sugar addiction still continues. . . I’ll worry about that later 🙂

Took my ‘summer’ vacation with my two oldest grand boys the week of June 26.  Lots of driving, but they handled it really well.  Of course, the DVD player had a lot to do with that. It was roads I had never traveled, so a totally new experience for me.  Wyoming (in some spots) is really beautiful.

I thought about having “a” drink a couple of times on our adventure.  The first night in Keystone, SD, we went out to dinner and I did order an NA beer.  Tasted pretty good, but geez, $3.95?  Guess I’m just a cheapskate but water will do just fine, thank you!

We experienced the Mammoth Site in Hot Springs, SD and saw lots of bones from many thousands of years ago.  We dared to ride the Alpine Slide in Keystone and played with dinosaurs in Rapid City.

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We were mesmerized by the faces in stone;

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and conquered the trail around Devils Tower.

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Ziplining was at the top of the boy’s list of truly fun things to do.

Foz zip  con zip

Bison found their way in front of our car.  Yellowstone was really amazing. Such a wonderous place!

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Seeing the Grand Tetons and enjoying a trip down the Snake River were a ‘must do’ on our list.

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I survived without a drink and grateful that I did.  Can you imagine trying to do all the things we did with a hangover?  Yuck. And getting up at 5:00am a couple of mornings – can you imagine 😦   Yes, there were times when having an alcoholic beverage sounded just DIVINE, but I had to let that craving pass. And I can’t say it enough – I am SO glad I was able to avoid the pull to drink.  This trip was one we will always look back on as being one of the best. I think a lot of that had to do with my being sober.

So grateful to have had this adventure with my boys!

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time to wean myself off the sugar

As we all know, when you first quit drinking, you find yourself attracted to sugar – more than normal anyway.  Well, at least I did.  I was replacing one sugar with another to avoid drinking.  It worked for me the last time I quit.  But, I was going on 500 days and was still continuing to eat a candy bar, a Blizzard, a bowl of ice cream or something sweet EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.  I am not kidding.  Plus, during the days I would find myself reaching in to the M&M peanut jar we have at work and eating a handful of those daily.  Trading one problem with another?  Yeah, no doubt!!

This time around, I’m doing the exact same thing.  About 8:00pm last night, I was going to have a bowl of ice cream, but – long story short – the ice cream was no longer good (don’t put ice cream that has been in the refrigerator over night BACK into the freezer).  So I found myself grabbing my car keys and purse, backing out of the driveway and heading to Dairy Queen for my usual Butterfinger Blizzard.  It’s ridiculously expensive, but I do it any way.

On the way home, that’s when I decided that I really needed to curb my sugar intake. It is totally out of control.  So today is day 1.  This is going to be a weaning process.  I don’t relish the idea of going cold turkey right at this moment.  But, I am setting it in motion and will begin paying attention to what and how much sugar I’m putting in my mouth.

I can do this.  It’s more psychological than anything else. Well, maybe a little has to do with the fact that sugar is addictive.

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must share

I just read an amazing post by Kristen at byebyebeer.  Her 5 year sober post really moved me, and I felt the need to share with those who may not follow her.  It’s a must read for sure.

At Five Years Sober, Do You Really Get Your Marbles Back?

Enjoy 🙂

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