they’re bbbaaaccckkk

Those sucky, horrible monkey’s chattering in my head.  Oh you know the ones.  “Just go have a drink,” they say.  “Doesn’t a beer sound good tonight?” they snicker.  “Stop at Brewski’s and say hi.  Oh and while there, have them serve up your regular.  You know, the Jack and Coke?” they taunt.

I so want a drink.  I remind myself with my tattoo that I CANNOT go have a drink.  I am a Teetotaler, damnit.  I remind myself that I can’t just have one.  I remind myself that I am not a normal drinker.  I bring up visions of waking up at 3:00am with a throbbing headache and in desperate need of a glass of water (or 2).   But none of that really helps. I know what will happen, but it doesn’t stop the desire.  I’m pretty sure I won’t stop at the LQ or a bar, but the booze-hour has been hitting regularly in the afternoons for a week or so now.


Sob sob, I hate it.  And what am I at now?   464 or so days  ugh

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15 Responses to they’re bbbaaaccckkk

  1. jmcraig2014 says:

    Debbie, stick with it. It will eventually go away. I know you know that but sometimes it is good to hear.
    Sometimes you have to just ride it out, like a bad cold, you feel like crap but you know that eventually it will pass.

  2. Debbie I bet it is not a drink you are craving. Think about what it might be – are you feeling tired, hungry, bored? Take good care of yourself with a nice meal, a wonderful dessert or an activity you enjoy to feel better. Or maybe it will linger, not because it is something temporary like hunger but something more fundamental like loneliness or anxiety. The physical cravings are gone after so much time. The mental cravings are often something in disguise. Big hugs

    • Ginger Groundhog says:

      I completely agree with Kelly. When I do get the occasional really strong craving if I dig deeper it’s always something emotional. Loneliness is my big one and alcohol was my friend in that sense. Try setting up some coffee dates or visit a friend at ‘unHappy Hour’ make sure it is a non drinking friend though.

  3. Lisa Neumann says:

    My thoughts: I never wanted a drink. I just wanted to escape. I hated drinking. Reminding myself how much I hated it was key for me.

  4. I agree with Lisa.
    The best way for me to make it go away is think all the way through the end of the drink/s.
    It never ended up pretty.
    Breathing, yelling, exercise all help too.
    Big hugs, and they will go away.

  5. 1Wise-Woman says:

    Hang in there. I agree with the other comments. For me, the feeling hits so quickly. So I have to have a quick response, which for me, is to do something really physical – it might sound silly but, I do push-ups, or hit the road for a hard walk, anything that takes my whole mind and body away until the urge passes. And always reminding myself how miserable I was when I was using. Sending you strength!

  6. ainsobriety says:

    I talk back to the voice like it’s one of my kids.
    Yes…I hear you. You are just hungry/angry/tired/lonely.
    I love you. Have a big hug. You need love, not booze.

    It sounds funny, but it works.
    Do something nice for yourself today.

    My alternative is to go to a meeting. I don’t go often, but whenever I do there seems to be a person there with a story I can relate to and it always helps.

    Big hug. You are a brave, amazing teetotaler!


  7. furtheron says:

    Hang in there. Try not to engage with the monkeys let them chatter away with themselves

  8. Sorry to hear you are having difficulties. What’s up? I mean… what in your life has lead to this need to escape from what life is bringing you now?
    Sending hugs,
    xx, Feeling

  9. soberinvegas says:

    deep breaths…it is so hard in the moment. hang in there ❤

  10. Ditto to all the comments above. Hang on tight Debbie, ride the storm and admire your tatoo while you’re doing it. Love to you.

  11. Paul S says:

    I hear ya. I sometimes get that voice…and then I thank it for sharing and then move on. I notice that if I start to give it *any* sort of attention, it starts to light up more. I don’t feed it. These things pass. Often I find that I am truly thirsty, and I need water more than anything. Sounds hokey, but it works for me. anyways, not minimizing the voices…hold on. You’ll be fine. 🙂

  12. Nicola Yap says:

    New to the blog. But keep it up. We are all here for you in your recovery! P.S. Thank you for having the bravery to share your struggles candidly.

  13. Oh man, you said, “Coke and Jack!” After six years without them, the memory still makes my mouth water. Oh, I’ve had a sip or two of friend’s bourbon and cokes, (and no I didn’t not barrel down Relapse Mountain) but the torrid relationship has not re-kindled. Jack, that bad boy, damn near ruined my life, I gave him 30 years, I’m not willing to give him anymore.

    I just found your blog today. I’m sorry you haven’t posted in a while, I hope you’re ok. If you feel like commiserating with a fellow ex-girlfriend of Jack, you can email me. By the way, don’t click on my avatar, it will take you to my Christmas Toy Drive blog instead of my sober blog, unless you want to donate to the toy drive that is. 😉

  14. Pingback: a day in the life | dangling on the edge

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