too f%#king close

Last night I almost lost it.  It’s been a hard month or so (as noted by my last post).  The stress and anxiety are just getting worse.  I start thinking about drinking around noon now, and it doesn’t stop until after dinner.  This has been going on for what seems like F.O.R.E.V.E.R.  I am so tired of it.   I cried like a baby the other night on my way home because I could not stop for a drink.  It was a pity party.  I have never cried because I couldn’t have a drink before.  I came close to that again last night.  I was even scoping out restaurants where I could go for drinks and dinner.  A serious decision was in the works. Guess I’m fortunate to not have any good restaurants close to my house or I would have stopped.  I was so close to throwing it all in.

Of course, this morning I am grateful that I did not give in.  But it’s not a wipe the brow, issue a “shew” and praise the day type grateful.  I’m just glad I feel good and am hangover free.  I still want a drink.

This sucks.

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18 Responses to too f%#king close

  1. I’ve started taking l-glutamine pills along with some Bvitamins and my cravings/anxiety has decreased. Lglutamine is good for rewiring the alcoholics brain . Look it up . It might help. Hope today is a better day for you . 💚

  2. byebyebeer says:

    I remember crying over not being able to have a drink when I was around the 6 month mark. It was the right combination of stress, temptation, lack of sleep, you name it. Cravings may never leave us 100%, but thank god ithey really do get fewer and farther between. You did right.

    • Debbie says:

      Thanks! I was hoping that being closer to the 9 month/1 year mark, that it would ease up. I know last time it was still there, but not this bad! I’m really stressed so that’s a big part. Appreciate you reaching out!!

  3. ainsobriety says:

    Crying can be very releasing.
    Do you have some support to help you?
    Is there something you want that could satisfy the craving? Chocolate cake? Coffee with cream?

    Cravings will pass. It gets easier.

  4. Hey Debbie,
    Sorry to hear this has been so difficult for you. But YAY! You got through it and every second you refuse to drink weakens the addict within and trains your sober muscle.
    On feeling sorry for yourself, you know, I actually think that it is pretty much ok to feel sorry for yourself. It is not the most popular attitude to have but hey, the emotion would not exist if it did not have a function. I’m thinking: let yourself go, feel sorry, cry about not being able to easily fix things away anymore. But don’t act upon it. I noticed that really going through the feeling sorry, the mourning of having to let go actually helped me. And/but with that I already knew that the quick fix from alcohol was actually the quickest stabb in the back I could give myself. From what I have read in your posts I assume, well I guess I know that to be true for you too.
    Feeling sorry is ok, just don’t go live there. Remember the freedom that you can practise to actually choose, not be imprissoned in binging. They say we have no control over alcohol, that might well be true, not going to try it anyway, but I also think: this is true when I get it into my body. So taking care that it does NOT get into my body is a good thing. 🙂
    Another thing; I can’t remember if I have ‘spammed’ this here before but I did an free online training to desensitize my brainpatterns back to ‘normal’ reaction on seeing alcohol. I actually think it works because after only a few weeks, months I could look at glasses on tables and not even notice them and not even get a (subconscious/unconscious whatever) urge. It is a Dutch online course but I have written a manual of how to get to the training itself which is not language sensitive. I’m guessing even working through the manual beats drinking. The training itself is well, eh, boring-ish but even THAT beats drinking or being scared about wanting to drink. And I really think it works. Well, I knew I had to stop forever and I wanted to take up everything that could help me out. Let me know if you need any help. 🙂
    xx, Feeling

  5. I’m sorry it’s so hard for you right now but you’re fighting and that’s the important part. Kick that wolf’s ass to the curb. You are so worth the fight, hangover free, no regrets, no shame is so much better than a drink. Like Anne asked, is their anyone you can reach out too.? Stay tough girl.

    • Debbie says:

      Hey Sharon, Thanks for the words of encouragement. Always appreciated – especially from someone who is in the same “age bracket” as me 🙂 You’re the best 🙂

  6. I am so sorry I didn’t read this until today.
    I don’t know how long you have been sober, but I struggled with real bad urges for a long time.
    Then, they finally got better.
    It is worth the fight.
    Big Hugs,

    • Debbie says:

      Hi Wendy, No worries. I didn’t even know anyone had responded! haha I’m just over 9 months, closing in on a year (Feb 3). It’s been a struggle this time around. At the beginning it wasn’t as tough as 2013, but this stage is way harder. I made it to just about 550 days last time before I gave in, so fingers crossed 🙂 Thanks so much for reaching out and sharing your thoughts. Much appreciated! {hugs}

  7. James says:

    Hi Debbie,
    Long walks helped me out. Even now, 10 years on, I find that if life is closing in on me, then I know it’s time to head out and get some fresh air. Keeping a diary was also a huge support, writing up both the negative and positive experiences. Keep at it, it’s really worth it in the end!

  8. Hi Debbie, I just wanted to drop by and see how you’re doing! Hope everything’s ok 🙂

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