A test of my strength –

I am not a finicky eater, but I am a lousy cook and do not enjoy the process.  I will eat what I cook, initially, but if I have leftovers (and it wasn’t a particularly tasty meal the first time), I may not want to come home to it for dinner that 2nd night.  My crock pot dinners were okay but certainly not repeat dinners.  Other meals I’ve cooked and kept for another day are not that appetizing either.  I generally keep them frozen for lunches if I get desperate.

That being said, last night I did not want to come home to my left over chicken pesto and asparagus.  So I chose to get a salad somewhere.  That meant going to a restaurant that serves alcohol.  But I had to eat, and I wasn’t going to eat what I had at home so I pulled up my big girl panties and went to Old Chicago’s.  They have more of a beer selection than any restaurant I know of.

I went into the bar area because it’s easier to get a small table for one.  The server propositioned me with a cold beer, but I turned her down 🙂  I got a glass of water and an Italian Chef salad.  I ate, drank my water, boxed the remains and headed home.  (By the way, if you live near and eat at an Old C’s, DO NOT get the Italian Chef salad.)  The thought crossed my mind to have a drink, but I really didn’t want one.  I just wanted to eat and get out of there.  The plan succeeded.

Personal opinion – I don’t know if I believe that alcoholism is a disease.  I suppose it is, but it can’t be treated with a drug.  It can’t be reversed or removed.  It’s there. Yet, as a stand-alone, it does not kill you.  It doesn’t do anything but be a pain in my ass.   It’s a switch that must remain off.  That’s it.  I do not believe in surrendering to it or letting a higher power be my strength to combat it.  I believe there are triggers and outside stimuli that encourage whatever it is in our system to become active, making the desire to have a drink a top priority.  So, understanding these triggers, recognizing how I can deal with them, focusing on my goal – whether that goal is to get food into my system NOW or save that dollar I would spend on a drink to get more money into savings or retirement – is of utmost importance.

Yes, there is the witching hour and yes, being in social situations where everyone is drinking is rough.  But for me, I know it’s a state of mind, self-determination, a desire to be sober.  It has to be or this won’t work. It’s recognizing what prompts that need and knowing how to remove it. How to keep the switch off.  I remind myself constantly that alcohol for me is poison.  It is ruining my internal organs as well as my outward appearance.  It severely damages my brain cells.  It makes me lazy and unproductive and forgetful.

So, forward momentum is the phrase for the day and lots of sugar 🙂

Day 9




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15 Responses to desire

  1. byebyebeer says:

    Wonder if you can get your meal to go or eat at places that don’t serve alcohol (panera has good salads) for when temptation, the sneaky witch, does hit. Glad you’re doing good, feeling strong.

    • Debbie says:

      True. There is just not a Panera or Atlanta Bread close to my house. If I drive around too long, you can almost guarantee I’ll swing into a bar before I get to the restaurant!! haha But good idea!

  2. ainsobriety says:

    An open mind and an open heart take us far in recovery.
    Strength is important, but finding help and support make life easier and more enjoyable.
    Yay to day 9!

  3. Double digits tomorrow, you go girl. Truer words were never spoken. Alcohol is poison, it’s slow suicide by intoxication. That was my mantra in the early days of sobriety. Sacred me shitless. Worked though. Chinese takeout?

  4. Day 9 is awesome! Alcohol is bullshit. No one needs it.
    Regarding “fast food”, I’ve discovered many grocery stores are now packaging grab-and-go salads, sandwiches and meals that are cheaper than restaurants and usually higher quality. Keeps me from eating “crap” when I don’t have proper food or don’t feel like preparing it. Also, Costco has many heat-and-serve options and not all of them are football team-sized portions.

  5. xnavygal9916 says:

    WTG!! a day clean and/or sober is a day won. What helped me in early recovery was many many things..but, I changed my perspective or approach from something negative ((I can no longer do this or have that), to the benefits of remaining free from any and all substances. There are days still that I want to run away for some rejuvenation, however, the things we want most are things we have to earn. Sooo..good on ya mate, keep trusting the process and believing in the progress!

  6. Melanie says:

    Happy for you that you are back on the path. One thing is for sure–alcohol does not even amount to a piece of gravel on the road to happiness. So many more things to do and become on the road ahead. I hope the wonder of who you can become beckons you onward without a sideways glance. A new person everyday. Love your spirit, Debbie

  7. Day 9 – congratulations Debbie. You are doing great!!

  8. I love reading your thoughts as you navigate the winding path that is early sobriety. I love your strength, and determination, and resolve. You are doing fantastic! And remember, if things get desperate, a meeting is never far away. And you don’t have to believe a single thing except this: “I don’t want to drink today.” Everything else is purely a matter of opinion, and yours sounds well thought out and logical. I can’t wait to read the next installment!

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