day 1? or can i pretend those 12 nights didn’t happen and just continue with 626?

Gulp, so here goes my confession:

I’ve been pretending that I didn’t fall off my wagon.   As noted in my previous posts, I’ve had a few nights since mid-February where I’ve chosen alcohol as my beverage of choice.  It was not an every night or even an every week occurrence (February 18, March 23, April 3).  I was handling it well.  No big deal.  Then it became once every couple weeks then one night every week (April 13, 20, 29).   Then 2 nights every week (May 5, 14, 18, 19, 22 & 27), and you know the rest.  Four (4) out of all those nights, I over drank.  Not by a lot (as compared to my previous life), but I over drank enough so that I woke up in the wee hours and didn’t feel 100% the next day.  Four, again, is no big deal, but I can see it becoming more frequent and that I DO NOT want.

Not good.  Not good AT ALL.  So during last night’s fall, I took a picture of my drink and posted it on Facebook.  I had to make it public. I could no longer pretend I was sober.  It had to ‘get out there’ so I didn’t have anything more to hide behind.  Scary. . .not as scary as day one back in September of 2013 but scary nonetheless.

So, without further ado, I am starting back on day 1.  At least I think I’m counting from 1 again.  Honestly, I can no longer pretend the drinking episodes didn’t happen and continue counting my days as I was.  I would be at 626 days today, but I’m not.  Next time I’m at that many days, it will be mid-February 2017.

I abandoned my blogging and my sobersphere friends these past months, and that was a huge no-no.  Because of my embarrassment for drinking and not admitting it, and feeling that I let not only myself, but everyone who reads this, down.  Thinking I had moved beyond it all  – H.A.H.A.  I may be old but wise is something else entirely.  Belle even reached out to me, and it’s been ages since the two of us connected.  (Seriously, I’m #55 on her list of hundreds now!)  So happy that she did.  It just reminded me that I can’t do this alone.

Blood orange martini

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20 Responses to day 1? or can i pretend those 12 nights didn’t happen and just continue with 626?

  1. ainsobriety says:

    Why would you want to do this alone?
    Alone is scary and hard. Together it is an adventure.

    Welcome back. Your experiences are really important for those of us in longer term recovery.
    In the end, it is one day at a time. The number doesn’t matter, so holding onto something that feels false is unnecessary.
    Anne

  2. That was the courageous and right thing to do. You’re not really alone. We’re here for you. I’m here for you. Email me anytime. Get that ass kicking attitude back, you can do it.
    Sharon

  3. Bea says:

    Glad you’re here! On we all go 🙂 Huge hug xxx

  4. byebyebeer says:

    Welcome back. Glad you posted and no shame here. Everyone’s different and it helps me to see what it was like for you. Thank you for your honest sharing.

  5. Viatoday says:

    Thanks for your openness! Glad you are back! And the above comments made me smile too!

  6. Running From the Booze says:

    Just move forward.

  7. I echo BBB… welcome back, and thank you for your service. Honestly sharing the thought process, and the results of the thought process, helps all of us. So glad you are back where you belong 🙂

  8. Scarlett says:

    I saw your post and commend your honesty, Dee. I have faith you’ll do what is exactly right for you. ❤

  9. I bet you’re feeling pretty relieved right now, letting go of the burden of the secret. Thanks for sharing your experience. At Day 147, I’m grateful for the opportunity to learn from the veterans.

  10. momma bee says:

    Welcome back~ your story could be mine too. Thank you for sharing as it helps reinforce to me we are never “safe” from wolfie. Hugs my friend!

  11. jmcraig2014 says:

    Hi Debbie,
    Sorry you are going through this. I think after a being sober for a long time, you get a level of comfort and think you can go back to drinking just a little, little bit. But, obviously that is not true. I have been feeling more relaxed and have been thinking what’s one glass of wine, or a beer. But I realize that I just have to continue not to drink. I feel happy not drinking, I never thought I would be able to say I haven’t drank in over 18 months. So Debbie, I hope you come back over to the non drinking side of the street.
    Please post a lot so that we know about your progress. I think posting makes people accountable. Your posts have always helped me, even the ones about you falling. Your honesty is so refreshing. So often in life I feel my mistakes make me less of a person, but they really don’t, they just make me human.
    Please, please keep in touch. Your posts helped me to stay sober for all this time so I hope you’ll do what you have to do to keep “wolfing” at bay.

  12. stephk61204 says:

    As someone who recently starting blogging about sobriety – and starting my sober journey over more times that I can count or would like to admit – Thank you for sharing your Day 1 start over. I’ve never made it as far as you since I turned 21, but knowing that we all make mistakes, and that this is a journey that I don’t need to walk alone gives me comfort. Thank you for your honesty, willingness to share and your candid words.

    Steph

  13. furtheron says:

    I hugely applaud your honesty over your slip(s). But never give up giving up. Good luck with today and just stay sober for today, don’t worry about tomorrow or what happened yesterday the numbers will just take care of themselves.

  14. Robert Crisp says:

    Onward and upward. No judgment.

  15. jmcraig2014 says:

    Hi Debbie, are you out there? I miss you very candid posts. I hope you are not drinking.

  16. AuntieLex says:

    Hey there. Are you ok?

  17. Debbie says:

    🙂 I’m okay. Just not where I want to be. Thanks for asking about me!

  18. xnavygal9916 says:

    As you know..This is a program of getting honest with yourself and others..Very proud of you. Big HUGZS, jen (xnavygal)

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