anyone still out there?

It’s been a while and there’s a reason. It’s been a rough couple of months actually.  I have avoided coming back on the blog because I didn’t want the pity – you know, the “I don’t deserve it” so don’t feel sorry for me – kind of thing. From my post of “oops” on Feb 20th, I have had a few more falls.  I have to admit though that it feels FUCKING AWESOME to be a ‘normie’ and have drinks at the bar.  OMG. . . nuts, I know.

Let’s see, I had something to drink on March 23rd.  A little more than a month after I had that wine at home.  I stopped at Macaroni Grill.  My old haunt.  It just felt right.  I don’t know how else to put it.  I had 2 drinks, one before and one after dinner.  What a ‘high’ and it was not off the alcohol.  It just felt really good.  AARRGGHH   The draw back of course is that we all know I’m an alcoholic.  So I couldn’t just head home without more.  I debated, knew it was wrong but there was no stopping it.  We all know how our wolfie self appears at this point.  I purchased some wine.  Got home, enjoyed some TV, drank and went to bed.  I didn’t finish the wine thank goodness. I didn’t feel horrible when I got up, but I didn’t feel very good either.  And I have no idea what I watched on TV.  Slapped my wrists and started another day.

Unfortunately, the time span between each drink was narrowing. . . . duh . . . so Good Friday, Apr 3 (a week and 1/2 later), I stopped at Old Chicago’s and had a couple of beers after work.  Stopped at the LQ, made my purchase and headed home.  Another week and 1/2 later, I went to Applebee’s and had something fancy and a beer (with a burger.)  Bought a 6-pack on the way home, but only had one.  Gave the rest to my daughter.

And lastly, one week later, I went to Applebee’s again (Apr 20).  This time for a beer which turned out to be 2.  I left and stopped . . . where?  You guessed it – at the liquor store.  I bought a bottle and went home.  Had dinner and tried to finish the bottle.  I have discovered my capacity (and tolerance) to drink has lessened tremendously.  I woke up on the couch about 11:30 – made my way up to bed and at 5:00am woke with the worst hangover.  Even if I compare to past hangovers, this one was horrible.  I even called in sick to work, took some pain meds, drank some water and went back to bed until about 10:30.  Dragged myself into work at noon and felt crappy most of the day.

I won’t be going back to day one, and I am continuing my path of sobriety as it is still the best choice for me and my life.  Whatever happened, it happened.  Will it happen again?  I hope not, but I am not going to throw my 600 days (on May 2) away for those 4 stupid nights.  It was a stumble; it was a reminder; it was a mistake.  I am not going to punish myself by going back to day 1.  No punishments allowed.


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18 Responses to anyone still out there?

  1. UltraViolet says:

    You’re not alone. I’ve done this too. A couple of days where I was out and succumbed to the temptation of a glass of wine. Then the next night, it seemed like a great idea to crack open the bottle of wine that had been given to us as a gift a few months previously. Woke with a stinking hangover, which was a great wake up call. Once upon a time I woke like that every day! Reminded myself I didn’t want to live like that, and now I’m back on the wagon again. Like you, I figure it’s a stumble, and doesn’t cancel out my sobriety. It just happens to be imperfect sobriety 🙂

    What counts is that you’re still here, you’ve recognised it for what it was and it doesn’t matter. You haven’t returned to it. It’s all part of building your resistance, I figure.

    • Debbie says:

      Glad to know I’m not the only one who’s had a slip or 2. Thank you so much for sharing that you have experienced the same stuff. Makes me feel better that I’m not alone and this can still happen 🙂 {{hugs}}

  2. mary says:

    How brave of you to admit that you had drink. I struggle too and go back and forth. Just remember each day you don’t drink is better than drinking every day.(at least for you liver anyway;-) I read this quote and it gave me some inspiration. “Giving up on your goal because of one setback is like slashing your other 3 tires because you got a flat” Keep strong and don’t beat yourself up and be kind to yourself!

    • Debbie says:

      Thank you, Mary. I wasn’t going to say anything about my little slip but knew that wasn’t the point of my blog. I need for those like me to know it’s okay and we can do this! Appreciate the kind words 🙂

  3. Phoenix says:

    Still here. And listening.

  4. We’re still out here for you Debbie, get back up on the horse and hold tight. Brave post.

  5. jmcraig2014 says:

    Debbie, I agree with both comments, the tire analogy and the horse one. It is brave of you to post your stumbles, but it looks like your drinks are getting closer and closer. I hope your horrible hangover was a wake up call and good reminder to stay sober.
    Since having you six weeks ahead of me is part of why I have made it this far, I hope you will hop right back on the wagon.
    I am heading to my first sober wedding in a few hours, I hope they have some good snacks at the cocktail party. I fortified myself with yoga and a long walk.
    Good luck Debbie, I hope you post more often so I can hear about your progress. Who would think that there would still be struggles after not drinking for almost 600 days. It makes me realize how strong the pull of alcohol is on susceptible people.

  6. ainsobriety says:

    Do you have sober support? Maybe now is the time to try something different…AA or SMART or therapy?

    Back on the wagon is great. I think you will find lots of support for a return to sobriety still here!

  7. Soberlinda says:

    this really resonates with me, i am on vacation and trying to convince myself i can just have a few drinks this week and pick up sobriety again when i get home — after all, i am in a totally different country. but if i did, i think i would be in the same position you are — drinks getting closer together. I do love being drunk. Well, it’s 6pm here, i think i can stay sober today. I’ll get ice cream and go to bed early.

  8. UnPickled says:

    Okay, Debbie, now you know! Steady the bus. We are here cheering for you. It takes guts and strength to be so honest. I’m sorry you went through all that tho – it sounds hellish to be back in the grip again. I’m glad you are getting back to a better, healthier way. Thank you for sharing.

  9. Running From the Booze says:

    Good to hear from you Debbie. Keep moving forward. 🙂

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