It’s been a while and there’s a reason. It’s been a rough couple of months actually. I have avoided coming back on the blog because I didn’t want the pity – you know, the “I don’t deserve it” so don’t feel sorry for me – kind of thing. From my post of “oops” on Feb 20th, I have had a few more falls. I have to admit though that it feels FUCKING AWESOME to be a ‘normie’ and have drinks at the bar. OMG. . . nuts, I know.
Let’s see, I had something to drink on March 23rd. A little more than a month after I had that wine at home. I stopped at Macaroni Grill. My old haunt. It just felt right. I don’t know how else to put it. I had 2 drinks, one before and one after dinner. What a ‘high’ and it was not off the alcohol. It just felt really good. AARRGGHH The draw back of course is that we all know I’m an alcoholic. So I couldn’t just head home without more. I debated, knew it was wrong but there was no stopping it. We all know how our wolfie self appears at this point. I purchased some wine. Got home, enjoyed some TV, drank and went to bed. I didn’t finish the wine thank goodness. I didn’t feel horrible when I got up, but I didn’t feel very good either. And I have no idea what I watched on TV. Slapped my wrists and started another day.
Unfortunately, the time span between each drink was narrowing. . . . duh . . . so Good Friday, Apr 3 (a week and 1/2 later), I stopped at Old Chicago’s and had a couple of beers after work. Stopped at the LQ, made my purchase and headed home. Another week and 1/2 later, I went to Applebee’s and had something fancy and a beer (with a burger.) Bought a 6-pack on the way home, but only had one. Gave the rest to my daughter.
And lastly, one week later, I went to Applebee’s again (Apr 20). This time for a beer which turned out to be 2. I left and stopped . . . where? You guessed it – at the liquor store. I bought a bottle and went home. Had dinner and tried to finish the bottle. I have discovered my capacity (and tolerance) to drink has lessened tremendously. I woke up on the couch about 11:30 – made my way up to bed and at 5:00am woke with the worst hangover. Even if I compare to past hangovers, this one was horrible. I even called in sick to work, took some pain meds, drank some water and went back to bed until about 10:30. Dragged myself into work at noon and felt crappy most of the day.
I won’t be going back to day one, and I am continuing my path of sobriety as it is still the best choice for me and my life. Whatever happened, it happened. Will it happen again? I hope not, but I am not going to throw my 600 days (on May 2) away for those 4 stupid nights. It was a stumble; it was a reminder; it was a mistake. I am not going to punish myself by going back to day 1. No punishments allowed.