Where to begin……..
It’s been a rough month or so. The desire to drink has been really strong during the witching hour (4pm-7pm) every single day. Felt like I was back in week 1 all over again. Although things have been good, they haven’t been great. Letting my depression get the best of me (reminder to self: up the dosage on my meds). I wanted that numb, I wanted to be normal, I wanted to drink. I kinda sorta wanted that life back. The one where I could go to dinner and enjoy a cocktail or glass of wine, you know, to take the ‘edge’ off. Water and herbal tea just don’t cut it.
I have survived these past 518 days on will power alone. I’ve always known that wasn’t enough, that I had to really dig deep and fix my issues if I ever wanted to truly get alcohol out of my life for good. Loneliness tops that fix-it list. It’s a hard one to overcome. 40 some years can’t be fixed in a day and not drinking didn’t fix it like I hoped it would. Not drinking didn’t make it any easier to be un-lonely.
And so, on Wednesday night, I walked in to that liquor store and stood staring at the wine bottles. I was in a shitty neighborhood store where they carried shitty cheap wine. But I stood there anyway. I almost walked out at one point but turned around to scan the shelves one last time. I came across a Yellowtail Shiraz/Cab and decided I would take it. It was very liberating. I was buying wine and had no qualms about doing so. It felt good. I felt normal.
I got it home, opened it and poured about 4 oz in a glass. I set it down and cooked my dinner. While I waited for the timer to go off announcing dinner was ready, I had a few sips. Wasn’t the best wine ever, but it was okay. Dinner was ready. I ate and sipped. I finished my dinner and there was still about 2 oz of wine left in the glass. Odd for sure. Normally, I would fill my glass to the top – say 6-7 oz – and it would be gone when I finished dinner ready to be refilled to the top.
As I took my dishes to the kitchen, I sipped a bit more of the wine and tossed the rest of what was in my glass down the drain. I stoppered the bottle and put it on a shelf. That was that.
The next evening, Thursday, on the bus ride home, I was looking forward to another glass with dinner. I totally fell into my old habits. I had my small glass with dinner. As the evening progressed, the bottle became less full and I eventually finished it off. Between the next to last and last glass, I ended up snacking on all kinds of crap I had in the house. I emptied a bag of marshmellows; albeit, there weren’t that many left in the bag. I moved on to salted almonds about 9:15pm. I have no idea how many I ate. I headed to bed about 9:45pm. After washing my face and brushing my teeth, I went to bed and fell IMMEDIATELY asleep (or I must have because I don’t remember falling to sleep). I woke up at 4:00am with a slight throbbing in my head. Yeah, I bet you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about! I had almost forgotten about those early morning headache sessions. Finally fell back to sleep and woke up with the alarm. Didn’t feel bad, just not 100% as I have been this past year.
When I got downstairs, I looked at my couch and on it was the empty marshmellow bag and the bag of almonds. De ja vu
I guess it had to be done. I knew it was going to happen and believed there was nothing I could do about it. Just had to go with it. It was a mini lesson I suppose. It was a small reminder of why I don’t want to be drinking. I now have to pull up my big girl panties and get back in focus and back on track.
Reminders for me:
1) If I drink $8 a day, I lose out on $240 a month – that’s HUGE
2) I won’t be able to enjoy outside activities like the rappeling, kayaking, hiking and camping trips I have scheduled for the spring and summer
3) My time with my grandkids will be at a minimum because I just can’t take them when I want to drink or am hungover
4) It’s hard to work (at work) when feeling sluggish and crappy
5) I can’t afford the isolation when I drink – as much as I don’t like to, I have to force myself to get out and socialize as best as I can
Just a few to get started. It may end up being a long weekend. But since it’s going to snow, I’ll make sure I have lots of chocolate in the house and just stay home!!