Where to begin……..

It’s been a rough month or so. The desire to drink has been really strong during the witching hour (4pm-7pm) every single day. Felt like I was back in week 1 all over again. Although things have been good, they haven’t been great. Letting my depression get the best of me (reminder to self: up the dosage on my meds). I wanted that numb, I wanted to be normal, I wanted to drink. I kinda sorta wanted that life back. The one where I could go to dinner and enjoy a cocktail or glass of wine, you know, to take the ‘edge’ off. Water and herbal tea just don’t cut it.

I have survived these past 518 days on will power alone. I’ve always known that wasn’t enough, that I had to really dig deep and fix my issues if I ever wanted to truly get alcohol out of my life for good. Loneliness tops that fix-it list. It’s a hard one to overcome. 40 some years can’t be fixed in a day and not drinking didn’t fix it like I hoped it would. Not drinking didn’t make it any easier to be un-lonely.

And so, on Wednesday night, I walked in to that liquor store and stood staring at the wine bottles. I was in a shitty neighborhood store where they carried shitty cheap wine. But I stood there anyway. I almost walked out at one point but turned around to scan the shelves one last time. I came across a Yellowtail Shiraz/Cab and decided I would take it. It was very liberating. I was buying wine and had no qualms about doing so. It felt good. I felt normal.

I got it home, opened it and poured about 4 oz in a glass. I set it down and cooked my dinner. While I waited for the timer to go off announcing dinner was ready, I had a few sips. Wasn’t the best wine ever, but it was okay. Dinner was ready. I ate and sipped. I finished my dinner and there was still about 2 oz of wine left in the glass. Odd for sure. Normally, I would fill my glass to the top – say 6-7 oz – and it would be gone when I finished dinner ready to be refilled to the top.

As I took my dishes to the kitchen, I sipped a bit more of the wine and tossed the rest of what was in my glass down the drain. I stoppered the bottle and put it on a shelf. That was that.

The next evening, Thursday, on the bus ride home, I was looking forward to another glass with dinner. I totally fell into my old habits. I had my small glass with dinner. As the evening progressed, the bottle became less full and I eventually finished it off. Between the next to last and last glass, I ended up snacking on all kinds of crap I had in the house. I emptied a bag of marshmellows; albeit, there weren’t that many left in the bag. I moved on to salted almonds about 9:15pm. I have no idea how many I ate. I headed to bed about 9:45pm. After washing my face and brushing my teeth, I went to bed and fell IMMEDIATELY asleep (or I must have because I don’t remember falling to sleep). I woke up at 4:00am with a slight throbbing in my head. Yeah, I bet you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about! I had almost forgotten about those early morning headache sessions. Finally fell back to sleep and woke up with the alarm. Didn’t feel bad, just not 100% as I have been this past year.

When I got downstairs, I looked at my couch and on it was the empty marshmellow bag and the bag of almonds. De ja vu

I guess it had to be done. I knew it was going to happen and believed there was nothing I could do about it. Just had to go with it. It was a mini lesson I suppose. It was a small reminder of why I don’t want to be drinking. I now have to pull up my big girl panties and get back in focus and back on track.

Reminders for me:
1) If I drink $8 a day, I lose out on $240 a month – that’s HUGE
2) I won’t be able to enjoy outside activities like the rappeling, kayaking, hiking and camping trips I have scheduled for the spring and summer
3) My time with my grandkids will be at a minimum because I just can’t take them when I want to drink or am hungover
4) It’s hard to work (at work) when feeling sluggish and crappy
5) I can’t afford the isolation when I drink – as much as I don’t like to, I have to force myself to get out and socialize as best as I can

Just a few to get started. It may end up being a long weekend. But since it’s going to snow, I’ll make sure I have lots of chocolate in the house and just stay home!!


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23 Responses to oops

  1. FitFatFood says:

    Such a hard thing to go through but big hugs and your self reflection so soon after is amazing x

  2. Like FFF said big hugs to you. I admire that you are so strong and have done so well on your own. I think you should be very proud of yourself, and so perceptive. Thanks for that post. It helps us all.

  3. jmcraig2014 says:

    You are brave for sharing your story. I am glad that is was only 2 nights for you. I guess every 518 days or so it is ok to have a glass of wine, loll. I am coming up on 500 and am really feeling good. I still am eating too many snacks, but definitely feel better without drinking. Reading all the blogs has helped me so much, I definitely wouldn’t have made it without your your blog and all the other great blogs out there. I hope you can solve your loneliness problems.
    Thanks for talking about the throbbing headache and not being able to perform at work. It takes me back. In addition, I remember the racing heart, dry mouth and sour stomach.

  4. clearlee says:

    Hey Debbie! Thanks for sharing and being honest. I’m sorry you had to go through that but I guess it’s part of the process. You must have needed that reminder of what it was like. It doesn’t take long for the old addiction to kick in hey? I’m sure I would be in exactly the same boat if I had a drink right now. Eating crap, throbbing head, and oh the self-loathing that goes with it. Not to mention missing out on all the great things that are possible when sober. Sending hugs!

  5. Running From the Booze says:

  6. byebyebeer says:

    Oh Deb, I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling. As others said, it’s helpful to hear the reminders of what drinking was like. I know too in my heart nothing will ever change and I’d fall back into old patterns (and worse). Year two can be tough. Loneliness is even tougher. Hope you find what you need.

  7. Thank you for sharing your story. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, we may not pick up immediately where we left off, but it doesn’t take long to get there. I am sorry you had to go through this. Maybe you could try a 12 step program. I can only speak from my experience, but they offer support 24/7, wisdom and unjudgemental love. It may help with the loneliness. I am in touch with my sponsor daily, even if it is just to say hello. It is so nice to know that there is someone out there who cares about me, knows my journey, and shares the same feelings.
    I hope you can find some peace. Sending love.

  8. furtheron says:

    Thanks for your honesty.
    Never give up trying to give up.
    As Soberlearning says above – look for support. AA and 12 steps has worked for me – that is all I can say it is about working on yourself so that you can get to a new you and perception on life.
    Good luck

    • Debbie says:

      Thanks for reading my post. All of you on this sober-cybershere are my support and I truly would not have made it to where I am without you! 🙂

  9. Scarlett says:

    You kicked booze’s butt for 518 days. You can do it again, Dee! Sending love.

  10. Debbie, I am so sorry for your struggles, and I am so appreciative of your sharing them with us. This is such a powerful post, and I know it will help many, reminding us that when the temptation is calling, to play the tape through.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for this reminder, and I hope that you are struggling less as each day goes by. I will echo many of the sentiments above in saying that a 12-step meeting may be just the boost you are looking for! I hope that I get to read an update soon!

    • Debbie says:

      The struggles do suck, but many are behind me now 🙂 I am so very grateful that through my writing I can help others. That is the point of my blog and I thank you for reminding me why I lay my heart out there for all to see. Thank you {{hugs}}

  11. Pingback: staying sober and happy

  12. calvinfpollard says:

    Your post really spoke to me. I could not believe how similar our struggles are. You are not alone….neither am I.

  13. Debbie says:

    Thanks, Calvin. Nice to know that what I go through it not a ‘me only’ situation. Not that I want you to have hard times as well! LOL Sometimes it feels like I’m all alone in my misery, so I’m glad you understand my where my head is! Just need to focus! Hope you are doing okay. How many days? {hugs}

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