still here – still recovering

Unfortunately, I really don’t have much to share. I do appreciate those who are now following me though. My posts from Sept 18 2013 to Sept 18 2014 are probably more helpful than anything I can say now.

Life is okay. I’m not jumping up and down or doing cartwheels or anything, but things are good. I had a hard time this past month with constant desires to drink. I still do, but they have lessened somewhat. I had 3 Christmas parties this past weekend. All 3 served alcoholic beverages, and I was the only one to not drink. That was tough. Not as tough as last year when I only had some 50+ days under my belt. It is different. I am able to see other’s drink and not want one, but deep inside I want to drink. That probably makes no sense; I can’t quite describe the feeling. It’s not like it was in the early days. It’s a different feeling. It’s still a reminder that I cannot have a drink though.

I think the reason why I have yet to drink is because of all the people that now know I don’t drink – I don’t want to disappoint them or have them think badly of me or have them give me the “oh, it’s okay” speech. Really don’t want that. But I still want to drink. I have been extremely negligent on reading everyone’s posts. I read them religiously and then I just stopped. I guess I have to go back to square one and remind myself of all those things I need to do to keep my strength up, and reading everyone’s blogs is up there on the list. I need to keep praying and being grateful. Mostly I think I just need to get out of my head. I’m still wallowing in there, feeling sorry for myself that I can’t drink.

Ah well. I’m at 445 days and counting.

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8 Responses to still here – still recovering

  1. Debbie, I’m right there with you. Want what I can’t have. We’ll muddle through together. Hang tough.

  2. Running From the Booze says:

    Debbie!!!! I’ve been thinking about you. It’s so good to hear from you. 🙂

  3. Lilly says:

    It just sounds like you’re having a little down patch and the holiday season can be rough. But look how far you’ve come! 445 days is amazing! And drinking wouldn’t feel good now – just know that. You’ve been such a super cheerleader for me through all my ups and downs and I just want to say GO YOU for all that wonderful sober time you’ve put together even through the tough patches. It is amazing and things will look brighter again soon – I am so sure of it.

    Big hugs to you,

    Lilly x

  4. fern says:

    I’m right with you at about 500 days, I’m finding that living without alcohol is much harder than I expected. It’s not all rainbows and unicorns and I’m definitely not doing cartwheels. One day at a time is about all I can do and that’s enough until I get my shit together!

    Hang in there, girlfriend!

    {{{{hugs}}}} Fern

  5. Castillion says:

    I’m 445 days sober as well! I know exactly how you feel. If I get tempted I think about the disappointment and despair it would cause my children if I became a drunk again.

  6. jmcraig2014 says:

    Hi Debbie, I am at almost 14 months. I can’t say that I miss drinking, I just sometimes would like to sink into a few glasses of wine. Drinking was a big stress relief for me and a great social lubricant. I feel better not drinking and I like not having to obsess about if I drank too much or any of the regret and shame that surround drinking, but I still do miss it sometimes.
    This holiday season was much better that last, the coming year I am going to work on losing 10 lbs and some “issues” low self esteem and feeling like a victim.
    I think the darkness and the lack of sum here in the Northeast make the season tough.
    It’s probably good that people know that you don’t drink, it probably is helping to keep you sober. I think it helps me, I have been to enough parties so people know I don’t drink.
    Anyway Debbie, Happy Holidays to you

  7. Lisa Neumann says:

    What I learned in sobriety: Drinking was the secondary problem that came after the primary troubles—me. Hang in there. Life has a way of shaking us forward. Sending love, Lisa

  8. jmcraig2014 says:

    Hi Debbie,
    Hope you are hanging in there. I am at day 438, I can’t believe it sometimes that I did not drink through all 2014! I feel better that the holidays are over, no need for fake cheerfulness and alcohol soaked get togetherness.
    I am trying to stay off sugar and also work on acceptance, so I guess those are my resolutions.
    Happy New Year! Hope you post soon

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