Time just flies by, doesn’t it? I can’t say it’s been fun or action-packed or busy or anything like that. It’s just . . . . been.
I know that sometimes I can relay information that isn’t very positive, and I don’t want that to be negative on anyone out there who is just starting their journey. But, for me, it’s tough. Even after a year. It’s been a really rough couple of months. I believe I know the reason for it, I just don’t have the solution to change it. Ideas, yes. An understanding of what needs to change, yes. But no realistic way to get there. It sounds like gibberish, I’m sure.
I get the fuck-its every day. Almost like when I was in the early stages of sobriety. I want to drink so badly it’s not even funny. I want to throw in the towel, give up and go back to numbing nightly. I really, really do. I really, really do.
And the reason I want to? Loneliness. How does one get unlonely? I’ve been lonely ALL my life. My kids helped a lot to make my life fun, but they are grown, gone and are starting families of their own. But, this loneliness is nothing new. I’ve been trying to be unlonely for years and years, and even more years. I know the supposed solutions. I’ve tried them. I’m still even a part of those ‘solutions.’ But so far no good. I’m part of a handful of “meetup” groups. We do things a few times a month. I enjoy those gatherings but that is where it ends. Nothing social comes out of it in the long term. I’ve tried dating sites many, many times. Back in 2001 I actually met a guy and we dated for a year. Since then, it’s just not been the same. Either I’m too picky or no one is interested in me. And that brings the loneliness to another level – thinking you are not desirable. I’ve been involved with rescue missions serving food to the homeless trying to get out of my head. That’s okay, but it does nothing for me except remind me that I’m grateful I am not in their shoes.
So having the desire to drink? Oh yeah, it’s there. Numbing would be totally awesome right now. But I know I CANNOT drink without getting carried away with it. I think if I started drinking again now, I would take it to a whole other lever – a worse level. I would want to drink ALL the time. I know this to be true. I feel it. Yet I still want it. I try not to give this power (wolfie) a spot in my head. I try to push it back reminding myself I am stronger that it. That I have the power. I try to distract my thoughts and move on.
Knowing that if I take that drink, I am a goner, folks. That is the only goddamn thing that is keeping me sober right now. I hate it. I truly hate being sober but being drunk does not allow me to be present. And that still holds some weight. Enough that I remain sober now.
I battle daily with this desire to withdraw, to succumb, to go live a hermit’s life and just drink it away. Over 425 days and I feel like I’m on day 1. For some, it’s just simpler. I’m sure for others, it’s harder. I can’t give up.
Thanks for listening.