struggles

Time just flies by, doesn’t it?  I can’t say it’s been fun or action-packed or busy or anything like that.  It’s just . . . . been.

I know that sometimes I can relay information that isn’t very positive, and I don’t want that to be negative on anyone out there who is just starting their journey.  But, for me, it’s tough.  Even after a year.  It’s been a really rough couple of months.  I believe I know the reason for it, I just don’t have the solution to change it.  Ideas, yes.  An understanding of what needs to change, yes.  But no realistic way to get there.  It sounds like gibberish, I’m sure.

I get the fuck-its every day.  Almost like when I was in the early stages of sobriety.  I want to drink so badly it’s not even funny.  I want to throw in the towel, give up and go back to numbing nightly.  I really, really do.  I really, really do.

And the reason I want to?  Loneliness.  How does one get unlonely?  I’ve been lonely ALL my life.  My kids helped a lot to make my life fun, but they are grown, gone and are starting families of their own.  But, this loneliness is nothing new.  I’ve been trying to be unlonely for years and years, and even more years.   I know the supposed solutions.  I’ve tried them.  I’m still even a part of those ‘solutions.’  But so far no good.  I’m part of a handful of “meetup” groups.  We do things a few times a month. I enjoy those gatherings but that is where it ends.  Nothing social comes out of it in the long term.  I’ve tried dating sites many, many times.  Back in 2001 I actually met a guy and we dated for a year. Since then, it’s just not been the same.  Either I’m too picky or no one is interested in me.  And that brings the loneliness to another level – thinking you are not desirable.  I’ve been involved with rescue missions serving food to the homeless trying to get out of my head.  That’s okay, but it does nothing for me except remind me that I’m grateful I am not in their shoes.

So having the desire to drink?  Oh yeah, it’s there.  Numbing would be totally awesome right now.   But I know I CANNOT drink without getting carried away with it.  I think if I started drinking again now, I would take it to a whole other lever – a worse level.  I would want to drink ALL the time. I know this to be true.  I feel it.  Yet I still want it.  I try not to give this power (wolfie) a spot in my head.  I try to push it back reminding myself I am stronger that it.  That I have the power.  I try to distract my thoughts and move on.

Knowing that if I take that drink, I am a goner, folks.  That is the only goddamn thing that is keeping me sober right now.  I hate it.  I truly hate being sober but being drunk does not allow me to be present.  And that still holds some weight. Enough that I remain sober now.

I battle daily with this desire to withdraw, to succumb, to go live a hermit’s life and just drink it away.  Over 425 days and I feel like I’m on day 1.    For some, it’s just simpler. I’m sure for others, it’s harder.  I can’t give up.

Thanks for listening.

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11 Responses to struggles

  1. Bea says:

    Hi Debbie. You and I started our journey on the same day last year but whereas you carried on brilliantly (go you) I tried moderating after 100 or so days and gradually ended up back at square one. Now I’m on Day 30 again, knowing that I need to stay here, however uncomfortable it can be. I so understand the desire to ‘blur out’ but I also know that drinking would only add another huge problem to the sadnesses that lie beneath and that have prompted the urge to escape. You are so spirited and strong and your resilience helps me to keep going too. You deserve all good things. Huge hugs from Bea x

  2. sherryirvin says:

    I know how you feel all to well, and I still struggle with being alone. You can still be alone in a crowded room. But though my AA group I have found great fellowship and have many friends that I can draw support from. Keep going and you to will find great people that won’t let you be alone.

  3. I’ve probably quit about 19 times; the last time was almost 12 years ago. I’ve felt the way you describe off and on all the while. It gets better, but slowly. It’s worth it. After Year One is when you start to have too much to lose, and you know relapse isn’t an option anymore.

  4. ainsobriety says:

    Do you go to AA? I found a lot of comfort in hearing others rl to loneliness. I am not the only one who feels apart from other.

    And yoga. In yoga I have found my own company. It has been a true gift.

    Two ideas. There is a lot of living to do. It’s not going to be found in a bottle.

    Hug

  5. Clearly, sticking with it and trudging through all this is somehow worth it, or you wouldn’t take the time to share your thoughts here. Stick with it. As a quiet person myself, all those social events leading to long conversations over coffee and amazing new friendships hasn’t happened to me either, but in sticking with the meetings, those relationships are starting. Keep on keeping on.

  6. clearlee says:

    Hey Debbie, thanks for sharing your honesty. It’s good to hear that others struggle with loneliness- it makes me feel less alone! I too struggle with loneliness… I don’t have children, but I have a partner, friends and family so I really feel that the loneliness is more about me than the people around me, or lack thereof, if that makes sense. I think being lonely is part of the human condition. This sounds kind of cheesy but I also think that loneliness is cured from the inside out. I do think its good to be social and make connections, as this can definitely help, but I also think that other people won’t entirely fix that loneliness- for me it is a bit of an existential thing and the more I grow my spiritual connection, practice meditation, and cultivate feelings of self-love and compassion, the less alone I feel. It comes and goes though. All we can do is to keep trying things.

  7. Hang in Debbie. Sobriety is not always sunshine! Well, life is not always sunshine! I think I am finally figuring that out which actually is starting to feel ok. It’s because i always think that it’s only my life that is crazy, or hard, or lonely. But I am finding out that it’s like that for others too. It’s just that most people don’t talk about it. So thank you for sharing this. I go though periods of time just like this too. In that sense your not alone! Sending many hugs.

  8. Running From the Booze says:

    Debbie!! I’ve been thinking about you, looking for your dragon avatar every time I sign in. So good to see you 🙂 I struggle with wanting to be alone and feeling lonely and then enjoying
    company when I’m in the middle of it. I still don’t have many answers so I just keep kicking the can down the road and look at the trees and the clouds hope we get some rain, we need it. XOXO

  9. fern says:

    I struggle on a daily basis with the desire to not be present. It’s part of our addictive personality. You are not alone!

  10. byebyebeer says:

    I remember year 1 into 2 as being tough…in some ways, tougher than the first 6 months of not drinking. They weren’t cravings so much as learning to live with myself so that I didn’t want to drink over feelings and fears. I don’t think that makes sense, but it’s the best way I can describe it. I think over time it’s just become easier to feel whatever I’m feeling because I know it will pass. Unconditional acceptance over everything, even loneliness …especially loneliness. Ainsobriety’s suggestion to try some meetings is one I would echo (if you don’t go already).

  11. jmcraig2014 says:

    Hi Debbie, loneliness is a hard feeling. I think it is great that you were able to admit that this is an issue for you, it is an issue for many, even people in lots of relationships. I hope that you can find a way to solve the problem. I know you said you go to meet ups, but I it is the consistently of being with the same people and sharing experiences that makes the relationships. I know that even though I am not really shy, it takes me a long time to feel comfortable meeting new people and making friends. So I hope you can find a place to meet with people and form a few new friendships.
    I am at 13 months of not drinking today and feeling pretty positive compared to a year ago. I don’t generally miss drinking anymore but still get urges once in awhile. This past Thanksgiving weekend was a hell of a lot better than last year. I remember being so worried about getting through the holidays, each day was a struggle. This year it is so much better already.
    Anyway, you are one of the people who helped me get through the past year, so I thank you for that.
    Jean

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