pushing past the fear

As I sit here, I got to thinking about what I was doing a year ago today. Did I succumb to the drink or did I make it through the day? Well, as you can well imagine, I did not succeed at a sober evening. (putting my sober car back in D) From review, I had quite a few more nights like that one until my final “put my foot down” moment on September 18.

I don’t remember that day exactly (I do remember the bug bites that left scars on my face) but not the actual day. That is because it was exactly the same as every other day – the desire to drink was so strong that my thoughts were consumed with getting alcohol in my system. And that I did, frequently. The constant battle in my head – good vs evil, Ms Sensible vs Ms Crazy, me vs wolfie. It was exhausting.

The desire to numb was overwhelming. Numb the fact that I’m lonely, numb the fact that I exist but don’t live, numb the fact that I’ve wasted so much of my life looking for the greener grass. I can’t say that these past 10 1/2 months have been much of an improvement, but being present in my life and in others is, for me, seen as a gift. It is a beautiful thing.

For my book club recently, I read Aron Ralston’s “Between a Rock and a Hard Place”. (The kid who had to cut off his hand in Moab back in the early/mid 2000’s.) This young man has such a passion for life and living (maybe a bit more than is normal) but it’s inspiring. He’s doing what he loves and loves what he’s doing. He takes risks (none of which I would take), but it does illustrate that you have to face your fear because what’s on the other side can be amazing.

So there you have it. Another new day to push a bit harder, experience something new and appreciate all that is.

Namaste

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4 Responses to pushing past the fear

  1. Jean says:

    Debbie, being present and really feeling your feeling is a huge improvement. Almost a year of,feeling your feelings and clearing your brain. I hope you can start to see improvement in your life soon. Maybe hitting the one year mark will do it.
    Lately I haven’t been feeling that great about not drinking. I am feeling like why should I bother, my husband drinks, my social life revolves around BBQs and going out to dinner and drinking wine. It is sometimes so hard. Also, I have gained about 8 pounds. So frustration is setting in. But the more optimistic side of me says, think of how much more ease is in life now, no more worries about how I will feel the next day, should I have another drink, am I ok to drive. So I hope that this first year is just the beginning of something great!
    Jean

  2. Lisa Neumann says:

    “but being present in my life and in others is, for me, seen as a gift. It is a beautiful thing.” Love this line. The only problems I got rid of when I stopped drinking were my drinking related problems. The rest of life was there waiting for me to deal with it. Really enjoying your writing. (belated with reading most days, but enjoy nonetheless) I especially notice that you excel at persevering, despite your perception of your ability. You manage to push through and get back on track– a beautiful quality. xox lisa

  3. Debbie says:

    Thanks, Lisa! Always so great to hear from you!

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