I sometimes wonder if I’m a dry drunk. I’ve read the descriptions but am not sure if I fit that group or not. I just feel I’m missing something I need to make this sobriety thing stick. I still want to drink. I pass by the outside patio bars on my walk to my car after work and I see everyone sitting around their wine, martini’s and beers. I so want to be there. But, I keep on walking.
I suppose I’m still in the “angry” stage and am having a hard time moving past it. I know I must remain sober. Debbie the drunk wasn’t a fall down, black out, sloppy, get drunk every night, obnoxious drunk. Debbie the drunk was a drink every night to dull the ‘whatever’ drunk and always hated herself in the aftermath. Yes, she did over drink a couple times a week and then the berating was even worse come morning. I hated not having control. I hated wallowing in my own self pity. I felt I wasn’t accomplishing anything because my goal was to drink at the end of the day. Here I am almost 10 months later. Not drinking has not changed anything in my life except I now have hangover free mornings.
I am proud of myself for doing this. I am. I’ve literally done it all by myself. I have no real support system. I have my family who supports me but they are not with me 24/7 nor are they people I can talk to when I have my doubts about what’s happening to me. I’m still considering AA but must have some fear of becoming part of this group. Maybe it’s working the steps that frightens me or maybe it’s having a sponsor who will hold me accountable. I don’t know what it is. But, I am a bit tired of doing this on my own. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I really do think it’s been my willpower alone that has gotten me this far. And I know that won’t hold me.
It’s a bit scary, yes. And I’m a true procrastinator. I may debate the pros and cons for quite a while before I do anything.
FEAR — Yup, I must call it what it is.