dry drunk?

I sometimes wonder if I’m a dry drunk. I’ve read the descriptions but am not sure if I fit that group or not. I just feel I’m missing something I need to make this sobriety thing stick. I still want to drink. I pass by the outside patio bars on my walk to my car after work and I see everyone sitting around their wine, martini’s and beers. I so want to be there. But, I keep on walking.

I suppose I’m still in the “angry” stage and am having a hard time moving past it. I know I must remain sober. Debbie the drunk wasn’t a fall down, black out, sloppy, get drunk every night, obnoxious drunk. Debbie the drunk was a drink every night to dull the ‘whatever’ drunk and always hated herself in the aftermath. Yes, she did over drink a couple times a week and then the berating was even worse come morning. I hated not having control. I hated wallowing in my own self pity. I felt I wasn’t accomplishing anything because my goal was to drink at the end of the day. Here I am almost 10 months later. Not drinking has not changed anything in my life except I now have hangover free mornings.

I am proud of myself for doing this. I am. I’ve literally done it all by myself. I have no real support system. I have my family who supports me but they are not with me 24/7 nor are they people I can talk to when I have my doubts about what’s happening to me. I’m still considering AA but must have some fear of becoming part of this group. Maybe it’s working the steps that frightens me or maybe it’s having a sponsor who will hold me accountable. I don’t know what it is. But, I am a bit tired of doing this on my own. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I really do think it’s been my willpower alone that has gotten me this far. And I know that won’t hold me.

It’s a bit scary, yes. And I’m a true procrastinator. I may debate the pros and cons for quite a while before I do anything.

FEAR — Yup, I must call it what it is.

Peace

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8 Responses to dry drunk?

  1. konalora says:

    I tried the AA thing in my mid twenties after having a major post drinking panic attack.The error Dr suggested AA I went wanted to run shrieking and drink as much as possible.I then tried after my third child I was so riddled with guilt I went to a meeting (the kid in tow1983) was asked to leave because my two year old at the time shouldn’t hear what they were sharing WTF? I once again tried here in Hawaii found a bunch of nice women,but was too scared to look at how out of my mind I was and didn’t really want to face that when I drink I’m a smart asks.I’ve been doing the on line thing but I’m considering going back and keeping my mind open and my big mouth shut.I realized in myself I’m cocky ,haven’t had a dui but I’m always like a fish struggling in the net .My point is for me I have anxiety I can accept it,I drink to quell the anxiety I can accept it.doing the steps is about self awareness.I’m not so sure on the amends thing that’s a whole lot of courage.I think it’s good to have support from a problem drinker because they know how our pea brains can’t throw in the towel under the right conditions.I’m going to a meeting this weekend and going to be very picky on who I tell what to.Let me know if you go I’m curious on your feedback.I just hate to think I wasted 39 years and a whole lot of hangovers over one woman who kicked me out with a toddler.

  2. folie de deux says:

    You said, “Not drinking has not changed anything in my life except I now have hangover free mornings.” Not true. Read through your posts and see how much you have learned about yourself, how much more you respect yourself, and now many people (me included) that read your words and gain strength from what you say. None of us are in this alone ❤

  3. I second what folkie says. You’re not alone.
    Sharon

  4. momma bee says:

    After making 102 days earlier thus year and started drinking again I saw my my ways and knew I didn’t want to go back there. This time I started 12 step meetings~ I was scared as shit to go. Crying, shaking oh the anxiety~ when I came home from my first meeting I felt like all this weight/ burden was lifted. i have seen many changes in myself- not all from the program but many. I know it is supporting me in real life to be stronger and stay sober. You don’t know if it’s got you unless you try~ it’s worth checking out! Good luck to you! Hugs

  5. Running From the Booze says:

    12 step programs are great for lots of people and bad for other folks. Its not for me at all, the work I’ve been focusing on is, finding things I’d rather do that mean more to me than drinking. Find your thing(s). 🙂

  6. jmcraig2014 says:

    Debbie, I have always gone back and forth about going to meetings, so far I haven’t gone to one. I have looked them up on line and even planned on going, but then chickened out. I am happy with reading blogs, journaling and reading self help articles and books. Sometimes I feel like maybe I am missing something by not going to AA, but generally I feel really content. I think that when you say that you wake up without a hangover is the only change you may be forgetting how bad hangovers feel. For me waking up with a clear head is really wonderful. Also, all the shame and guilt associated with drinking is gone. So I am a little behind you just passed 8 months and I hope that your feelings of wanting to be at the bar pass.
    Jean

  7. I know someone else who did the program thing, he wasn’t an alcoholic, but he is sober today because it was past doing it himself, he needed a support system more than we could do for him. …check out “My Sober Life”
    I am proud of you!
    Kris The Mom

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