It’s been a rough week. I’ve had the “fuck its” every afternoon and have almost taken myself up on it. Not sure where these feelings of needing to drink are coming from or why they just suddenly start. It is a bit overwhelming and having to talk myself down is just stupid.
It’s like I am on my curve again. Albeit, the curve is much straighter than it was back in the first few months. Recently, I was on a great high thinking I was doing so well. I really felt sober/normal/content/secure where I was. Feeling like I had beat this down and was the victor. Pink clouds for sure. Then WHAMMO – I want a drink and I want it now. I just want to belly up to that bar with its (people) white noise, its AC, and order a martini. Half way through that drink, I will order dinner and a glass of house red. Just enjoying the drink, the mood, my thoughts. . . Nothing else quite like it. And I don’t know how to achieve those feelings with, say, a Coke or a glass of tea or whatever. That hour of kicking back at the bar was always the best feeling. It was the leaving and purchasing more alcohol that was not cool. And we all know that is the NEXT step in our drinking regime, without a doubt.
My tool in this case? Talking myself out of it with “you are closing in on 9 months, do you really want to give all that up? Do you really want to lose yourself for a week, a month, 6 months before you are capable of doing a day 1 again? And then have to go through those next 6 months all over again?” It’s usually by that point that I come to my senses. I have to really slam that thought home though and focus on something else. I may have rational thinking but Ms Crazy is still there nudging me until she realizes I mean business and she goes away.
I always wake up that next morning and thank God that I made the right decision and I am still sober.
I know this will not be the last time I have these cravings with such intensity, but I hope that they space themselves out more and more as time goes on. I almost cracked this time and it’s scary. I crave the quiet I get in my head when I drink. Gardening doesn’t do it, reading doesn’t do it, and unfortunately an ice cold O’Douls doesn’t do it either 😦