it’s still cyclical. . .

It’s been a rough week. I’ve had the “fuck its” every afternoon and have almost taken myself up on it. Not sure where these feelings of needing to drink are coming from or why they just suddenly start. It is a bit overwhelming and having to talk myself down is just stupid.

It’s like I am on my curve again. Albeit, the curve is much straighter than it was back in the first few months. Recently, I was on a great high thinking I was doing so well. I really felt sober/normal/content/secure where I was. Feeling like I had beat this down and was the victor. Pink clouds for sure. Then WHAMMO – I want a drink and I want it now. I just want to belly up to that bar with its (people) white noise, its AC, and order a martini. Half way through that drink, I will order dinner and a glass of house red. Just enjoying the drink, the mood, my thoughts. . . Nothing else quite like it. And I don’t know how to achieve those feelings with, say, a Coke or a glass of tea or whatever. That hour of kicking back at the bar was always the best feeling. It was the leaving and purchasing more alcohol that was not cool. And we all know that is the NEXT step in our drinking regime, without a doubt.

My tool in this case? Talking myself out of it with “you are closing in on 9 months, do you really want to give all that up? Do you really want to lose yourself for a week, a month, 6 months before you are capable of doing a day 1 again? And then have to go through those next 6 months all over again?” It’s usually by that point that I come to my senses. I have to really slam that thought home though and focus on something else. I may have rational thinking but Ms Crazy is still there nudging me until she realizes I mean business and she goes away.

I always wake up that next morning and thank God that I made the right decision and I am still sober.

I know this will not be the last time I have these cravings with such intensity, but I hope that they space themselves out more and more as time goes on. I almost cracked this time and it’s scary. I crave the quiet I get in my head when I drink. Gardening doesn’t do it, reading doesn’t do it, and unfortunately an ice cold O’Douls doesn’t do it either 😦

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11 Responses to it’s still cyclical. . .

  1. You just keep kicking that ugly voice to the curb. I am a little over 7 months and I know anytime I have those thoughts, I picture myself drunk, hair a mess, hose torn, makeup blurry, shoes off because I’m too drunk to walk in heels. Then, I dig deep and feel the shame associated with that mental image. Miraculously, the desire goes away every time.
    You got this!
    Hang in there.

  2. Romanticizing the drink was one way that alcoholism put a drink in my hand. What it failed to tell me was just how ugly it got after those apres-dinner wines were done…the sheer recklessness, the shame, the guilt, the hangover, the foolish and dangerous judgement, etc. But not matter what, my mind would paint a beautiful portrait of me with that wine or whatnot, being all sophisticated and all…and then it happens again and again. Nothing changed.

    We can only distract ourselves so long. Gardening, reading, etc. are lovely pasttimes. But they couldn’t keep this guy here sober 🙂 Had to bring out bigger artillery. Each of us has our way of getting there. What it comes down to is getting to the causes and conditions and emotions that bring us to the bottle…THAT is the hard, but satisfying, work 🙂

    You made it through today – that is all that matters now. Tomorrow is a new day. We all get those moments…but they pass. They really do 🙂

  3. jmcraig2014 says:

    Hi Debbie, hope you wake up feeling rested, calm and happy tomorrow! Maybe sitting and having a martini is great, but it’s what happens once the gate is open that is not so great

  4. Hi Debbie! Thanks for this great post! Oh those damn craving. And the chatter in the brain! What can you do? Well you did it! You thought it through and stayed sober and that’s awesome! The craving do come less often the longer you stay sober. And one day you will be satisfied with that tea or a coke. I have cut down my sodas to one a day and let me tell you, I sure enjoy my diet coke now! As far as the chatter, well I am more ok with it now, but I also meditate and that has have helped me tremendously. Even 5 min a day can help and there are many ways to do it. Check out this site that got me started

    Have a great weekend! Hugs!

  5. I needed to read this…thank you:-)!

  6. momma bee says:

    Morning Debbie~ I hope today is a better day~ Thank you for sharing and I am glad too you hung on another day. I do too have had the yearn for numbing out so my brain would shut off~ I just pray over time less and less of those moments come to surface. I don’t want another Day 1 just like you. Stay strong my friend. Hugs, B.

  7. ibrokenchair says:

    Hi There,
    Somewhere I read, one MINUTE at a time. Just count down 60 seconds, Then really deep breathing. “There, ok, I made it another minute”. Repeat if necessary.

  8. Pingback: memory lane | dangling on the edge

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