4 weddings and a funeral – well, no – just a funeral

I am headed to my home town this weekend. A friend of mine I’ve spoken about before here has passed away. He was an alcoholic but was sober for many many years. Over 20 for sure. Recently, he went through some major stuff and started drinking again. He went to rehab in February and came out full of determination and positivity. He was only 57 and died in his home, in his living room chair. No determination has been made yet as to the cause. I hope it was not self inflicted.

He and I met as kindergartners, and he lived just 4 houses down from me until I moved away in 8th grade. You know those secret questions they ask for password safety and stuff? You know the one that says “the name of your first boyfriend.” Well I always put Jeff. We only recently reunited in 2004 for a class reunion and then we stayed in touch from 2008 until now. When his wife called me, and said this is Tina, Jeff’s wife, I instinctively knew he was gone.

Going back to my old stomping grounds where I truly began to drink heavily, it will be a test to make it through this sad day without drinking. I will only be there a short period of time and will remain busy until I’m flying back home.

I want to drink right now, actually . . . but I know I won’t. The desire is still there and the wanting to is still there, but it’s no longer the gun to my head feeling. I know I can’t and I know I won’t and my brain fortunately jumps in and says, “Don’t be a stupid shit NOW”

So, I’ll get through this funeral with no alcohol consumption. One way or another.

ps – side note – thanks to all who follow me. I know my writing has slowed down quite a bit, but I do so appreciate your looking in because then I can hop over to your site to learn about you!


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9 Responses to 4 weddings and a funeral – well, no – just a funeral

  1. Jeannie says:

    Sorry about your friend.
    I went to a family funeral last week and initially thought I will never make this. I thought it would just be too much, but I am starting to enjoy the emotional balance I am now getting that I am past 6 months. Even though I was tempted to have a drink, I knew it would not be just one, or probably not just one day of drinking and I don’t want to go back.

  2. momma bee says:

    Debbie I am so so sorry for your loss. Too young you are right! I will prayer for you and his family~ you will be strong and it won’t be easy but you will make it. Safe travels! Hugs

  3. clearlee says:

    So sorry for your loss. Sending you strength. Hang in there!

  4. fern says:

    Namaste 🙂

  5. So sorry, so young. Stay strong you’re doing great.

  6. jamilynaz says:

    Hi Debbie,
    I just put two and two together and realized that your friend that passed away was a member of my home group. He was a very insightful man, I didn’t know that he had started drinking again. I’m so sorry for your loss.
    On a happier note, I am so looking forward to meeting you! 🙂

  7. Joe says:

    Sorry for your loss Debbie stay strong everything passes believe me. Your friend would not want you to go through what he went through I’m sure. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your thoughts.The true nature of addiction is hard to comprehend at times and the need for escapism kept me trapped in a downward spiral. It was mental illness (depression) that drove me to use and abuse alcohol. I am to steal a phrase a soldier of recovery over twenty years now (truly blessed) but there was a time in my life I didn’t have a choice. I had to use and abuse alcohol or I would have topped myself. However, I could not do it without A.A. or the program of recovery. A sponsor saved my life because when I was down he picked me up and whne i was getting to big for my boots he kicked my ass.

    True, it’s sad that some of us have to die in order for the rest of us to live. Drinking for me is a choice today, thank God I know this now. It wasn’t always like that for me or my family. My father, mother and older brother have all died from alcoholism. My father was sober in A.A. for 11 months and lifted the first drink at a wedding. That day he died (alcoholic poisoning) at the ripe old age of 41. I have a brother who is wheel chair bound because of his alcoholism and will quite possibly die from the disease very soon .I have a younger brother who is also a practicing alcoholic who no doubt may die if he continues. None of these people decided to become addicts. I’m sure it wasn’t their chosen career path.

    Nonetheless they have and are destroying their lives with this deep seated insidious disease.I mean no one chooses this as a way of live. Who in their right would? Addiction is horrendous, degrading, humiliating, shameful and disgustingly powerful. With out help it is too much for any one of us. Stay focused down lift the first one life is much better sober but it takes time..

    Check out this recovery blog please loads of helpful recovery stuff:


  8. Hey peanut, I will be sending you positive vibes this weekend. I was about a month sober when dear friend of mine passed away. The pain that gripped my heart was nearly unbearable. And like you, I wanted to drink, but I knew I wasn’t going to. Be gentle with yourself. So many triggers will pop up even in the months to come. Honor yourself and be true to what matters.

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