Aarrgghh. . . . I’ve started this post a few times and I just can’t seem to get out what I want to say. Or at least put it out there so it makes sense to you, my gracious and wonderful readers.
This path to sobriety and beyond is different for all of us. Yet, it has SO many similarities. We all started out thinking we were different from everyone else when it came to our drinking habits. After we began exploring all the different blogs out there, we came to find out we were not alone in how we felt and how we dealt with alcohol.
I’m on the “I feel like I’m different than everyone else” thread right now and finding it hard to express what’s going on. I’m sure I’m not that unique in my relationship with booze – well, I know that for a fact – but it sure feels like it sometimes.
I was so hoping that when I hit that 90 day mark things would be markedly different in my life one way or another. By that time, “they” say the alcohol is out of your system and you should be actually feeling much better. But I felt the same. I still craved booze from the witching hour (4:00pm) to when I would finally eat. Every single day. I wasn’t really sleeping all that much better. I was having a hard time falling asleep and not getting enough sleep. My life did not change. Don’t know exactly what I was hoping for, but I do know that I wanted it to be happier or more social or just better.
Then I hit the next stage – the 100 to 140 days mark. Those days had their ups and downs along the cycle. No momentous days, and the usual bad days! I still had my cravings and my life remained the same 😦 (even with the ‘social’ changes I was making.)
And that was when the 150 to 180 days came along. For that period, I had many bad days. The desire to drink wasn’t just a craving or desire any longer. It was an insane need that went beyond “wow, I really want a drink” to “I don’t care what I drink, I just want to get shitfaced.” I think FitFatFood wrote a great post about addiction and referenced Russell Brand. I love the way he explains addiction. My need to get drunk during that period was INTENSE. I wanted my pain, my loneliness, my boring life to disappear into the booze. And I wanted it BAD.
Ugh, delete, delete, delete. What I type isn’t what I want to say.
Mostly, I still have some major issues to work on to insure my sobriety continues. But, I did want to say that although my life still isn’t all I hoped it would be at this stage and age, the past 2 weeks have actually been easier. I still don’t fall asleep as quickly as I would like, but I do sleep better. I haven’t had those INSANE cravings and I am thinking less about stopping for a drink. Physically, I finally notice a difference in the way I feel. I know, took me long enough. 🙂 Every morning while I’m getting my coffee at work, I thank God that I have a clear head.
My 7 month mark is next week. I still have a VERY long way to go.