my life. . . today

Aarrgghh. . . . I’ve started this post a few times and I just can’t seem to get out what I want to say. Or at least put it out there so it makes sense to you, my gracious and wonderful readers.

This path to sobriety and beyond is different for all of us. Yet, it has SO many similarities. We all started out thinking we were different from everyone else when it came to our drinking habits. After we began exploring all the different blogs out there, we came to find out we were not alone in how we felt and how we dealt with alcohol.

I’m on the “I feel like I’m different than everyone else” thread right now and finding it hard to express what’s going on. I’m sure I’m not that unique in my relationship with booze – well, I know that for a fact – but it sure feels like it sometimes.

I was so hoping that when I hit that 90 day mark things would be markedly different in my life one way or another. By that time, “they” say the alcohol is out of your system and you should be actually feeling much better. But I felt the same. I still craved booze from the witching hour (4:00pm) to when I would finally eat. Every single day. I wasn’t really sleeping all that much better. I was having a hard time falling asleep and not getting enough sleep. My life did not change. Don’t know exactly what I was hoping for, but I do know that I wanted it to be happier or more social or just better.

Then I hit the next stage – the 100 to 140 days mark. Those days had their ups and downs along the cycle. No momentous days, and the usual bad days! I still had my cravings and my life remained the same ๐Ÿ˜ฆ (even with the ‘social’ changes I was making.)

And that was when the 150 to 180 days came along. For that period, I had many bad days. The desire to drink wasn’t just a craving or desire any longer. It was an insane need that went beyond “wow, I really want a drink” to “I don’t care what I drink, I just want to get shitfaced.” I think FitFatFood wrote a great post about addiction and referenced Russell Brand. I love the way he explains addiction. My need to get drunk during that period was INTENSE. I wanted my pain, my loneliness, my boring life to disappear into the booze. And I wanted it BAD.

Ugh, delete, delete, delete. What I type isn’t what I want to say.

Mostly, I still have some major issues to work on to insure my sobriety continues. But, I did want to say that although my life still isn’t all I hoped it would be at this stage and age, the past 2 weeks have actually been easier. I still don’t fall asleep as quickly as I would like, but I do sleep better. I haven’t had those INSANE cravings and I am thinking less about stopping for a drink. Physically, I finally notice a difference in the way I feel. I know, took me long enough. ๐Ÿ™‚ Every morning while I’m getting my coffee at work, I thank God that I have a clear head.

My 7 month mark is next week. I still have a VERY long way to go.

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16 Responses to my life. . . today

  1. It’s not easy but it’s still better than before, right?
    The 7/8 month mark was just enormous in the leaps my sobriety took. It will happen but you kinda have to believe, have faith, you are going to feel better, it’s not all for nothing.
    Stay strong

  2. Seven months is a good start. Good for you.

  3. Phoebe says:

    Regardless of how you expected to feel you still did not drink!
    Somewhere deep inside you know it will get better, keep up the good work!

  4. Jean says:

    Debbie, glad your sleeping better. I love how “on” I feel most days now at work. It is great to awaken each day with a clear head. When I see my husband drink I see how stupid he acts and how tired and cranky he is the next day, it makes me glad to be done with drinking, hopefully for good.
    All these blogs are such a help!
    Enjoy the rest of your week
    Jean

  5. Aweee… sorry to hear. You reminded me of a time I was kinda blue, I realize that I sooo strongly wanted to be Happy but I wasn’t quite sure what happy was. After years of drinking, I actually didn’t know what made me happy. I found that for me, I had to find it. I had to look around for things that made me happy and do them more often. Maybe getting into something you always wanted to try? I started gardening. Never though it would make me happy, but the kids wanted to plant something. Now I can’t get enough. Anyway. I hope it passes soon. Hang in. Hugs. And congrats on almost 8 months. Woot Woot!

    • Debbie says:

      Very true. I’ve been searching for things that I enjoy and as yet haven’t found it ๐Ÿ˜ฆ But I will keep looking! Thanks for your “words of wisdom”!! Appreciate it.

  6. fern says:

    I was just saying something similar to your post. I’m going through a rough patch at 8 months. I get that we alcoholics all feel we were somehow different because of our need to drink due to the shame and guilt but sometimes I feel more different than even that! The friend I was talking to gave me this advice for those times, “just breath.” ๐Ÿ™‚ I think his point was to get out of my own head.

    I’m glad you are feeling good and the last two weeks have been better for you. Enjoy it and I hope you stay in this moment!
    Fern

  7. Lilly says:

    Oh sweetie. I wish I had the magic words to make it all better. But I think it’s true here that you have to just hang in there and have a bit of blind faith that it will pass and it will get better. Having drank again at about where you were (because I got the ‘mehs’, forgot why it was so important, could cope with the holidays sober, whatever) I can tell you that drinking will just make it WORSE and you would wish you were back where you are now. Just do whatever you need to do to ride over this hump. I am so so so sure it WILL get better. xoxo

  8. Debbie says:

    It is a hump – a boo-hoo, wah wah pity party hump ๐Ÿ™‚ Like Fern reminded me, I need to get out of my head!!! I do think about you and your 7 month oops a lot right now being that I’m at that same point as you were. It’s actually motivation. Thanks, Lilly

  9. wren1450 says:

    I read your post above and at the end just sat back and sighed. First of all, I am in awe that you are where you are, still dealing with issues, and plowing forward. God….that is just so great. Second, I agree that we all are different in dealing with alcohol and I have a sneaking suspicion that I, too, will always have to deal with Happy Hour cravings. It is just too ingrained in me to go away. But, WHEN (Belle told me to drop the “if” phrase) I get to the days/months of sobriety you have, hopefully I will find it worth it to just get through those couple of hours.
    In any case, please–for those of us out there still struggling–do not give up. You are doing so well and your words mean so much.
    Joan

  10. Debbie says:

    Hi Joan, I guess you (and all those who have fewer days than I) are the reason I continue to write. Although it is good therapy for me ๐Ÿ™‚ I am still here, still sober and still kicking and I write to let you and those like you know that there are still challenges ahead but they can be overcome – I am proof of that. So, yes, I will not give up. There are days I want to, of course, but I can’t. The struggle is still there and it comes with a punch, but it also goes away for much longer. You also are doing great. Keep blogging so I can keep reading! {hugs} D

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