i can’t get it out of my head

I’m not the best with words or describing how I feel. Verbally or with the written word. I would like to relate my state of mind to Paul at Message in a Bottle and then have him write what I want to say 🙂  He is so good saying just the right stuff.

I’ve been having a difficult time with my alcohol demon, be it wolfie, a crazy woman or monkey chatter! Whatever the hell it is in my brain, I want it to go away. I’ve been thinking a lot about why I have this chatter in my head. I know I shouldn’t compare myself to other bloggers, but we are all on the same journey and most of the time, we are all experiencing the same highs and lows. But what I’m going through, I haven’t heard anyone really talk about and it concerns me.

I’m going on 5 months next Tuesday and my 180 challenge day is March 18th. I’m moving forward – always a good thing – but I feel like I’m doing something wrong. I have a nagging feeling that I quit, maybe for the right reasons, but not with the right …..aaahhh….. what’s the word — conviction? desire? need? want? I don’t know.

I am pretty much certain that the chatter in my head is because I still want to drink. I gave up drinking because I knew it wasn’t good for me and was going to eventually be my downfall. I’m too old to have any more downfalls – I need even keels. Yes, I could list all the reasons I should not drink, and I could list all the things that have been great these past 5 months. But, we all know we could make lists until the cows come home, and it’s not going to do any good unless we BELIEVE and WANT to make the change. I want to stay sober, but I also really want to drink.

And therein lies the problem. I am headed to the bookstore at lunch. Maybe more reading material to help me with this? I can handle the mild notions of wanting to drink from time to time, but the feelings I’m having are strong and sometimes overwhelming. I want to give up. I’m tired of fighting daily with this monster in my head.

Is it my resolve?  Do I not have the right mind-set?  I’m I going about this the wrong way? I may say I refuse to give up but is that going to make it any easier?  I may say it but doing it is a totally different matter.

So frustrating. . . . .

sysiphus

It’s not easy being cheesy 🙂

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12 Responses to i can’t get it out of my head

  1. Debbie,you articulated that so well. I wish, I wish I had some magic words for you, some super advice to follow. I feel you dangling on the edge. I can’t say why the voice is not screaming at me anymore, something just clicked this time. That doesn’t help you I know. I just want you to know that I understand and sympathize with your feelings. I’m sure there’s lots of others who will chime in with good suggestions. I just want you to feel the hug I’m sending. You say you want to stay sober but you also want to drink. In a perfect world we’d all want to drink like ‘normies’ but we can’t and we don’t. Are you overthinking this voice? I tend to over think every situation. What makes you happy right now?
    Sharon

  2. For me personally, it came when I found acceptance that I may want to drink sometime in the future but I cannot.
    I don’t have the luxury of choice like normal people do with alcohol. It is not an option.
    Honestly, accepting that, making allowances for myself because of this burden just feels easier and less like it’s all my fault. Maybe it’s time to really let go…
    Hugs

  3. You said it as clear as a bell and as articulate as anything, my dear friend. We all have our ways of expressing ourselves, and you always do in the way that you do it. And here…well, it’s damn clear. You want to stop and you want to drink. I don’t that is unique at all. We’re alcoholics…of course we want to drink!! Now, in that area, it’s different for all of us. For me in the first two months, hell yes I wanted to drink. I wanted to drink pretty badly. Some days were miracles that I didn’t drink. Then, like some of us, that thought goes away. It comes up once in a while, a whisiper really, a quick blast in the brain…then goes. For others, it’s still a trumpet fanfare blaring away.

    I think what you said at one point is very poignant and important – we can make lists all we want, we can intellectualize, we can read books, we can avail ourselves to all the motivational Facebook platitudes and tapes and in the end still want a drink like it’s nobody’s business. The big thing is that realization in the brain of “I can’t drink” sinking down to the heart and soul. If it doesn’t make that drop, it’s difficult to make that shift. That was what it was like for me. Even after all the crap I created, there was a part of me that still felt that I could drink. It wasn’t until I got it…I mean GOT IT that drinking was no longer an option, then things changed for me. But it’s something that I can’t teach or give to someone…it has to be from them.

    I still eat sugar. If I become diabetic tomorrow, then sugar is no longer on the radar for me. Ever. And that will have to sink in at some point. Never ever sweets. Crap. And the same happened to me with booze. It just went off the radar at some point. I had to concede to my innermost self it’s a no-no.

    I am sorry you are feeling how you are. I have no magic words or anything. I hope you see that drinking only gets worse…never better. Letting go of what we think alcohol did for us (and it DID do stuff, a long time ago) helps too…

    Hugs…thank you for sharing so honestly.

    Paul

    • Debbie says:

      Paul, You are the best. I am so thankful you are here. Just reading your comment helped to soothe and quiet the beast. And yes, you’d be surprised that you do have the magic words. Maybe not the ‘word’ itself, but the way in which you express them touches me deeply and I can’t thank you enough for them. xoxo D

  4. fern says:

    You write just fine! Exceptionally well. I know exactly what you were expressing with your words. You want to drink. That’s okay to say. Everyone of us get it. We were you and still are. We all want to drink. But we know it’s a slippery slope. Sometimes it feels like you are dangling on the edge of the slope, ready to slide down. 🙂 Take it slow. One minute at a time. Call in the support systems. Drink sweetened waters or chocolate. That worked for me. Be kind to yourself. You are on your own journey and you are doing it just right.

    I loved this honest post and it will touch many people.

    xoxoxo Fern

    • Debbie says:

      Thank you, Fern, You’ve always been there for me and I appreciate your words. Truly it is one minute at a time when I get like this. The desire is just SO strong right now. I will white knuckle through this with everyone’s help! xoxo thanks 🙂

  5. Amina C says:

    You said this perfectly. We all have had that feeling. When I get like that I know I need more meetings. The urge gets lifted. Reaching out and being honest is what keeps us sober. You are doing that! This will pass and you will come out even stronger. Thank you for your honesty.
    xo amina

  6. Lilly says:

    I completely understand what you mean as I’ve felt the same, especially recently, and I don’t hAe the answers. I think what the others said about acceptance is key but that can be hard to force. I do think feeding your brain with solid information about addiction and recovery can really help – even if it’s not a cure all. You are doing just great. Just consider this a small downward curve on the grand rollercoaster ride of recovery. Keep doing what you’re doing and it WILL get better/easier again. Xxx

  7. Pingback: Rebooting – 6 week (at home) health retreat | One Too Many

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