I’m not the best with words or describing how I feel. Verbally or with the written word. I would like to relate my state of mind to Paul at Message in a Bottle and then have him write what I want to say 🙂 He is so good saying just the right stuff.
I’ve been having a difficult time with my alcohol demon, be it wolfie, a crazy woman or monkey chatter! Whatever the hell it is in my brain, I want it to go away. I’ve been thinking a lot about why I have this chatter in my head. I know I shouldn’t compare myself to other bloggers, but we are all on the same journey and most of the time, we are all experiencing the same highs and lows. But what I’m going through, I haven’t heard anyone really talk about and it concerns me.
I’m going on 5 months next Tuesday and my 180 challenge day is March 18th. I’m moving forward – always a good thing – but I feel like I’m doing something wrong. I have a nagging feeling that I quit, maybe for the right reasons, but not with the right …..aaahhh….. what’s the word — conviction? desire? need? want? I don’t know.
I am pretty much certain that the chatter in my head is because I still want to drink. I gave up drinking because I knew it wasn’t good for me and was going to eventually be my downfall. I’m too old to have any more downfalls – I need even keels. Yes, I could list all the reasons I should not drink, and I could list all the things that have been great these past 5 months. But, we all know we could make lists until the cows come home, and it’s not going to do any good unless we BELIEVE and WANT to make the change. I want to stay sober, but I also really want to drink.
And therein lies the problem. I am headed to the bookstore at lunch. Maybe more reading material to help me with this? I can handle the mild notions of wanting to drink from time to time, but the feelings I’m having are strong and sometimes overwhelming. I want to give up. I’m tired of fighting daily with this monster in my head.
Is it my resolve? Do I not have the right mind-set? I’m I going about this the wrong way? I may say I refuse to give up but is that going to make it any easier? I may say it but doing it is a totally different matter.
So frustrating. . . . .
It’s not easy being cheesy 🙂