I am what I am. I am who I am. I can choose to believe that everything that has happened was supposed to have happened just the way it happened. Because what occurred in the past has made me who I am today, and that’s exactly who I am supposed to be. Looking at me today, why would I want to believe that? I was destined to experience all that crap to turn out like this?
Well, doesn’t that just take the cake.
I don’t know. I’m still having a really hard time liking myself. This person I am today, this person I have become over 57 years. Some days, sure I’m okay with me. I’m a nice person, I’m likable, I’m proud of this or that accomplishment. But some days. . . wow. All those other days focused on me, me, me. And never getting the outcomes I thought I wanted. I should have received a good “SNAP OUT OF IT” smack a long, long time ago. Where was Cher when I needed her? But no one ever did that for me. WHOA NELLIE – that was revealing! “No one ever did that for me.” That thought came out of nowhere, but totally came from somewhere, right? Was I just waiting for someone else to hold my hand and lead me out of the proverbial darkness? “Excuse me, I would like to blame my life and all my turmoil on everyone else. If you had only helped me when I needed it. . . ” Holy crap.
Shew, regrouping here.
I think what I’m getting at is – I look at the people in my life who’ve known since, oh, I don’t know, FOREVER, who they were and what they wanted out of life. And I am, at times, very jealous of them. How did they know and why didn’t I? Life. It really sucks sometimes. I feel like I’ve lost a lot years stewing about what my passion in life is, etc. etc. I chose to let booze take control so I wouldn’t have to blame myself for my bad decisions. Have you ever been there? Ugh. And, yes, I can change that now. Sobriety does give me more focus and reasoning powers. More time to get involved with life; and, hopefully make the next 30 years something I can feel good about.
I’m still on the fence about believing that everything happens for a reason.
I am grateful for another day sober.