does everything REALLY happen for a reason?

I am what I am. I am who I am. I can choose to believe that everything that has happened was supposed to have happened just the way it happened. Because what occurred in the past has made me who I am today, and that’s exactly who I am supposed to be. Looking at me today, why would I want to believe that? I was destined to experience all that crap to turn out like this?

Well, doesn’t that just take the cake.

I don’t know. I’m still having a really hard time liking myself. This person I am today, this person I have become over 57 years. Some days, sure I’m okay with me. I’m a nice person, I’m likable, I’m proud of this or that accomplishment. But some days. . . wow. All those other days focused on me, me, me. And never getting the outcomes I thought I wanted. I should have received a good “SNAP OUT OF IT” smack a long, long time ago. Where was Cher when I needed her? But no one ever did that for me. WHOA NELLIE – that was revealing! “No one ever did that for me.” That thought came out of nowhere, but totally came from somewhere, right? Was I just waiting for someone else to hold my hand and lead me out of the proverbial darkness? “Excuse me, I would like to blame my life and all my turmoil on everyone else. If you had only helped me when I needed it. . . ” Holy crap.

Shew, regrouping here.

I think what I’m getting at is – I look at the people in my life who’ve known since, oh, I don’t know, FOREVER, who they were and what they wanted out of life. And I am, at times, very jealous of them. How did they know and why didn’t I? Life. It really sucks sometimes. I feel like I’ve lost a lot years stewing about what my passion in life is, etc. etc. I chose to let booze take control so I wouldn’t have to blame myself for my bad decisions. Have you ever been there? Ugh. And, yes, I can change that now. Sobriety does give me more focus and reasoning powers. More time to get involved with life; and, hopefully make the next 30 years something I can feel good about.

I’m still on the fence about believing that everything happens for a reason.

I am grateful for another day sober.

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4 Responses to does everything REALLY happen for a reason?

  1. i have those days too – I feel ok with myself overall, then BOOM! Out of nowhere the old me comes up – or the ego – comes around and says “you’re a little shit!!” lol. It’s funny when I am not in it, because I see it for what it is – an illusion. But sometimes when I am in it – it sucks.

    Be gentle to yourself. We are not bad people, just folks who went on an unhealthy path to cope and deal. We’re in a new place now, and it can be frightening and downtrodding at times. But we forge forth. That is what I have been doing the last week now…but there is always light, my friend 🙂

    Blessings,
    Paul

  2. Glenn says:

    Three great things in reverse order of how they were presented.
    I too am grateful for another day being sober and it’s great to read you stating that after moments of self reflection.
    Being on the fence about everything happening for a reason is something to which I can relate. I question how much of that thinking allows me to set up a scenario for being a victim which leads me to…
    Taking responsibility. I love how you did that in this post by admitting awareness of yourself and your thinking. This is all great stuff.
    Thank you for sharing.

  3. whinelessinwashington says:

    Deb,
    Great post – I could have written that myself. I’ve been struggling with a lot of self-doubt lately. It, of course, contributes to me drinking in the past, and now I need to realize when I don’t drink, it’s all better…for the most part. My biggest problem is luck. I feel like everything I’ve done – so many things I’ve done, not EVERYTHING, is just dumb luck, and eventually I’ll be found out to be a phony. Sometimes I worry about this so much, i think I actually MAKE it come true! Ah, life is complicated, but sober – it is WAY BETTER even if complicated. Thanks for your comment, and the offer to reach out. I will :0-)

  4. It's 5 past 50 says:

    I HATE when people tell me that “everything happens for a reason.” Or “you are exactly where you are supposed to be” … Makes me grit my teeth. I don’t believe it for a second. But with that said, don’t be so hard on yourself (hope that didn’t make you grit your teeth?) The years went by too fast, how were we to know? And all those people who seem to have it all together and all figured out, do they really? Are they really as happy and together as you believe? Or do they project a Facebook image of their lives: happy family photos, snappy posts … smoke and mirrors, all an illusion?

    I totally get what you’re saying tho, it’s so hard looking back at all those years. I’m not at all where I wanted to be. But regret is a waste so the best we can do is start from here and like ourselves now and – doggone it … be happy come what may. 😉

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