“what? i can’t hear you over the monkey chatter”

Don’t know how to explain my moments of weakness. I just wish they would stop, or at the very least, become less frequent. I’m getting really tired of this.

Last night, well, yesterday late afternoon as I was getting ready to leave work, the monkey chatter began AGAIN. “It’s over. Just go get a drink. You can always start over again. You learn from your past failures. This time will be the last, for sure” and on and on it went.

So, already having given up and choosing to drink again, I was trying to decide what I wanted. If I was going to fuck up my 115 days sober, I was going to do it right, by golly. “What did I want? A martini? No, that would be like drinking lighter fluid. Hm, a beer? I could do that, but then I’d have to have a shot of tequila to get me to my buzz faster. That would lead to a stop on the way home to buy more. So, do I want a beer that badly? How about a fancy mixed drink or a Cosmo?”

My battle went on for the bus ride home and inside my car, where I sat for about 10 minutes trying to figure out what I wanted to do. My brain really wanted the drink, but my body was like, yuck, not a chance. So bizarre. I started the ignition and headed out the parking lot toward home. I passed a few liquor stores on the way. My reason for not stopping was because they were mom and pop stores and I knew they wouldn’t have the small box wines I like. Strange rationalization, I admit.

I got home and sat in the garage deciding whether to pull back out again or just go inside. I went inside. Made a cup of tea and sat there. I reheated some leftovers, ate dinner, got back into my car and drove to a 7-11 for a candy bar. Once back home, I had my chocolate. My moment had passed.

Why? Why is that still happening daily? Shouldn’t I be beyond the daily cravings? Ugh.

Time to fill my early evening void with something out of the routine, the norm, the habitual.

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5 Responses to “what? i can’t hear you over the monkey chatter”

  1. Glad you stuck it out!

    The mental obsession doesn’t lift over night. That’s why most of us have to have some sort of action plan – to help rid of that thoughts that make us reach for that drink. They do lessen over time, of course, but even those with years and years will admit every now and then, depending where they are with themselves, will get a thought. You know…a THOUGHT….ha ha. I get one now and then too. I don’t entertain it – I just say “ok, thank you for sharing, that part of the brain. I am moving on to another part of my brain” or something like that and move on. Like you did – you sat with it and then just let it pass. Because many times those thoughts pass like clouds. Or ships by a harbour. They come, they go 🙂

    So happy you stayed on dry land!


  2. Jean says:

    Hope today is better. It’s good that you decided to have a candy bar. It seems like people stop drinking for long periods of time and then restart. Kind of scarey. I guess the hidden desire kind of rears it’s ugly head.
    Have a good weekend!

  3. As alcoholics we have a peculiar amnesia. Usually we can remember why we stopped except sometimes we temporarily/randomly have a mental fog where we forget, which sounds weird but its really true. Mrs. D has a great post about it

  4. Glenn says:

    Hey man, I am only a little over a year and a half in sobriety and I can tell you that even with my support networks in place and all the progress I have made on this journey of learning about myself, learning to live sober, I still on rare occasion get a sneaking idea that drinking wouldn’t necessarily be all that bad. Speaking only for myself, drinking would be an awful idea. Right up there with trying to reenact the final battle of 300 by myself on a NYC thruway during rush hour naked. Or something like that.
    Anyways, good on you for sticking it out and finding the courage to be patient. Thank you for sharing your story good Sir.

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