It’s one of those days where I feel the need to write but don’t really have anything to say. I try not to obsess about the number of days or how long it’s been since that last drink, and for the most part, I don’t. But it seems like FOREVER since I had a drink. Then, I’m quickly reminded it’s only been 107 days. That’s barely over 3 months or 15 weeks. Not even a third of a year has passed yet. I still have to get through the rest of winter, then spring, then summer up to the edge of fall before I can claim 1 year. And then, it’s only 1 year. That’s so NEWBIE still.
So much can happen between now and then. But, it’s just numbers, I know. I can hear you now. “Debbie, step away from the math. Just let it go.” Sometimes I can, sometimes I can’t. Yes, I know, as an alcoholic, that even one day AF is monumental. So, 100 is pretty damn awesome. It just seems so miniscule in the grand scheme of things. Aw, well, I ramble.
In the past, I’ve had “quit drinking” on the New Year’s resolution list. By day 3, I would have already demolished that resolution. I would make such a big deal – in my head – about all of my resolutions. Wanting to really prove something to myself – that I can do “it” whatever “it” may have been. What’s been nice this year is that I didn’t set myself up for failure. I didn’t make that list. I’ve already accomplished not drinking, and honestly, that feels mighty damn good. There was no berating myself for falling off the wagon (again), no more beating myself up for being weak and having no will power to maintain any of the goals. Trying to stick to resolutions made on NYE is just foolish – for me anyway. Because when I would fail, I would turn on myself, and my self esteem would hit rock bottom. (I can’t do anything right, I’m so weak, I’m so foolish, I’m stupid, I’m ugly, no one loves me – boo hoo boo hoo) Didn’t happen this year. Nothing much happened at all, but hey, that beats the hell out of how it’s played itself out in the past, right???
What’s passed is passed and I’m leaving it in the past. It’s still there, but I am moving beyond it. I am no longer that weepy, whiny, unmotivated person I was. Okay, well, maybe a little. But I’m growing stronger each and every day I do not drink.