on coping

I feel like the last couple weeks, my posts have been a Debbie-downer 🙂 I think about all those people out there who are beginning their journey, beginning AGAIN, or still in the really early days. And, here I am saying how awful I feel that I still white knuckle it and how hard it’s been even at day 77+. I must take this time to restate how I am really coping and what I’m learning about myself along the way. I do this in hopes of helping others the way so many of the bloggers here in our sobersphere have helped me.

Yes, I do still crave ‘the drink.’ But what’s different is that I understand WHEN and WHY I crave it and know that I can use that as my strong arm to avoid it. It’s hard, yes, but it doesn’t compare to those first few weeks. I do have more control. I like that I now (finally) fall asleep faster, get a complete night’s sleep and wake up un-hungover. I like that I do not feel guilty every morning because I, once again, over indulged the night before. I like that when I go to work, I don’t have to pretend that I’m feeling well, because I am.

I am still grappling with how to get back on the life train. First it was my kids that kept me from jumping on. Well, THEY themselves didn’t stop me, I stopped myself because I was focused on their lives and not my own. Then, as I slowly became the empty-nester, drinking became my habitual go-to, my reason for not getting more involved with life. I would rather drink alone than get out and do. . . anything. And that’s what’s kept me from boarding that train. Pretty soon, I didn’t even hear the whistle blow, it was so far away. Today, I hear the whistle as though it’s calling my name. I do fear the train a bit. Well, maybe it’s more anxiousness than actual fear. Getting on it is a huge step, and then becoming a part of it, shew, that’s really huge. But, I am becoming more and more ready every day. Making plans, setting small goals. I think it is achievable. And I could not have said that 10 weeks ago.

The other thing that has helped was this article that was on Carrieonsober’s blog, Faulty Gene. I think knowing it could be a faulty gene and NOT me really helped put some stuff in perspective. We all think we are defective somehow because it is so difficult for us to quit. We think we don’t have the strength or will power to beat the alcohol demon. But that’s not it at all. We can’t defeat the gene, it’s there whether we like it or not. But we can certainly minimize its affect on us. Knowing that we have it and working around it is the goal. No more beating ourselves up for not being strong enough, determined enough, having willpower, not any of that. It’s a one day at a time process where we learn to control it, learn to ignore it, learn to cope with it. I am capable of doing this, and I no longer need to beat myself up about it. It’s no longer MY fault. And that’s a great weight off my shoulders.

So, in summary, I just wanted to let those of you in the beginning stages of the 100 day challenge to know, from someone who is still a newbie but closing in on 100, that freedom from Ms Crazy aka wolfie is possible. That gene becomes less dominant every day (with a surge or two or a zillion to remind you to remain in control and remain cognizant) So don’t despair. You can do this!

Namaste

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9 Responses to on coping

  1. I also feel guilty about my moany posts! I would hate it to put anyone off. But I think it’s normal and only fair to share the ups and downs. Most of the time is ‘up’ and even the bad sober days are not as bad as the drunk ones!

  2. Lilly says:

    Me three re feeling bad when I post about having a hard time as if I’d read someone was still having a hard time at six months + early on it might have put me off. Then again, if you were having a hard time and it seemed it was easy/fabulous for everyone else that wouldn’t help – so sharing our experiences honestly is essential.

    I was still definitely having all those struggles where you are and I still am from time to time BUT, like Kate said, the bad sober days are still soooo much better than the horrible hungover ones and mostly it’s up up up from here. xx

  3. Running From the Booze says:

    One of the reasons I stopped posting was I felt like it was fueling my obsessive thinking. Which I felt was kind of holding back my progress and making me depressed. Happy 77+ days!

    • Debbie says:

      You know, I felt that way back in June when I tried to quit then. Each time is different. I enjoy your posts! I look forward to the next!

  4. 77 days is brilliant and you got there, that’s the main thing!
    Hardly anyone breezes through. Some people find it hard to articulate the negative feelings or hold back because they just don’t want to give in to them.
    There’s no right, perfect, breezy way. Are you sober? Then you’re doing it right!
    There might be other things you can work on but right now, you are doing fab!

  5. Lisa Neumann says:

    I think it is normal, actually necessary, to share all the crap if you start blogging when you start your sobriety. Geez, how else do you get out of it? If you saw my early journal entries from 2004 – 2007 you’d say the same about me. But here is my truth. I needed to dump all that stuff somewhere before I could start to heal. And the people that loved me loved me, and the people that didn’t … didn’t. But I healed (and am still healing). I am impressed how so many are capable of blogging so early in sobriety. It’s really quite beautiful.

    On a personal level I gain when I read struggling posts because it reminds me of me when I got sober. And I never want to do it again. It’s like child birth. You will forget how hard it was and have another baby, right? You remind me what it takes to get sober and I am eternally, ETERNALLY grateful.

    Lisa 🙂

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