It’s not getting any easier. At least it hasn’t this past week. Up to this point, I guess I’ve just been resisting the urge. I’ve had other things to do to occupy my mind/time. But, things are now winding down. My house is ready to be lived in. There are about 3 or 4 boxes with odds and ends that don’t have a place, but other than that, I’m settled. Each afternoon/evening I think about drinking…A LOT. My switch is on and I can’t seem to turn it off. My go-to fight back is that I don’t want to feel like shit tomorrow, so I hold Ms Crazy at bay, for a time…
I feel like I’ve been able to reach 75 days on sheer willpower and determination alone. I haven’t “worked” at it like going to meetings, delving in to the past to resolve any issues, asking my higher power for help or doing things differently. Ah. . . . maybe therein lies my problem.
I believe my sole purpose in drinking was because I was/am lonely. (Well, and the fact that I’m an alcoholic and I needed to drink.) I liked the warm and fuzzy, and I liked that it made me forget (temporarily) my “problems.” Initially my drinking was a peer pressure/social deal starting way back in middle/high school. I wasn’t dependent on it then, but I did drink when it was available. And I was most certainly not lonely back then. Lots of parties to go to 🙂 In my 20s, I began to drink heavily on Friday nights leaving the rest of the weekend to recover. I didn’t start drinking during the week until the last 10 years or so. And it had become more of the closet/at home drinking.
With that being said, I now need to fix the ‘lonely,’ and it’s been my fear. I’ve told myself for 30 years that I’m okay being alone. Those phrases, “I’m a home-body” or “I could live as a hermit [live in a cave] and be happy”. Time to climb out of my shell, perhaps?
All I got to say is I better get to fixin’ it QUICK. I may have waited too long.