am i doing something wrong?

It’s not getting any easier. At least it hasn’t this past week. Up to this point, I guess I’ve just been resisting the urge. I’ve had other things to do to occupy my mind/time. But, things are now winding down. My house is ready to be lived in. There are about 3 or 4 boxes with odds and ends that don’t have a place, but other than that, I’m settled. Each afternoon/evening I think about drinking…A LOT. My switch is on and I can’t seem to turn it off. My go-to fight back is that I don’t want to feel like shit tomorrow, so I hold Ms Crazy at bay, for a time…

I feel like I’ve been able to reach 75 days on sheer willpower and determination alone. I haven’t “worked” at it like going to meetings, delving in to the past to resolve any issues, asking my higher power for help or doing things differently. Ah. . . . maybe therein lies my problem.

I believe my sole purpose in drinking was because I was/am lonely. (Well, and the fact that I’m an alcoholic and I needed to drink.) I liked the warm and fuzzy, and I liked that it made me forget (temporarily) my “problems.” Initially my drinking was a peer pressure/social deal starting way back in middle/high school. I wasn’t dependent on it then, but I did drink when it was available. And I was most certainly not lonely back then. Lots of parties to go to 🙂 In my 20s, I began to drink heavily on Friday nights leaving the rest of the weekend to recover. I didn’t start drinking during the week until the last 10 years or so. And it had become more of the closet/at home drinking.

With that being said, I now need to fix the ‘lonely,’ and it’s been my fear. I’ve told myself for 30 years that I’m okay being alone. Those phrases, “I’m a home-body” or “I could live as a hermit [live in a cave] and be happy”. Time to climb out of my shell, perhaps?

All I got to say is I better get to fixin’ it QUICK. I may have waited too long.

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5 Responses to am i doing something wrong?

  1. Maybe do something social in the afternoons/evenings like go to a yoga class or to a coffee shop to read a good book or something? Even if you are technically alone it might help you feel better to be around others doing something positive. Drinking definitely won’t help with the loneliness and depression in the long run. xx

  2. Jean says:

    Hi, I am not an expert on anything regarding quitting drinking and recovery, but I know in general that since it is almost the darkest time of the year, it is kind of dreary and depressing. I have been feeling down and irritable and I think it is related to the lack of light. I have been trying to get some fresh air and exercise each day and I think it makes a difference. It is great that you are moving forward and have made 75 days, that is an accomplishment. I hope that your bad week passes and that not drinking becomes easier for you everyday. From reading the blogs it seems like the craving for drinking comes and goes. Yesterday I had a tough day, but luckily I went to bed early and today things are better.

  3. byebyebeer says:

    Some great suggestions above, such as signing up for a class or just going to bed. I found changing up routines was key in the first few months or so. I couldn’t do my usual sitting on the couch at night watching tv because it reminded me too much of what I was missing. I did meetings in those days, plus working out, reading in bed, etc. The first 90 days are the hardest, so just know you’re doing beautifully and these cravings come and go and it will get easier. Hang in there!

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