Am all moved into my house. Still plenty of boxes to unpack, and I need to swap one washing machine for another, but I’m here. And, it’s been as hard as I thought it might be. (the drinking) Actually, I think it may be harder. The last 2 nights have been ridiculously difficult. I’m having a hard time convincing myself NOT to drink. I have no good reasons. The “I’m at 69 days, it’s foolish to quit now” and the “I will regret this tomorrow and beat myself up for giving in” talks were worthless. I hate the fact that I can’t drink. It really makes me mad and that’s what I’ve been fighting with.

Last night I almost gave it up for good. I wanted to go out to eat, or should I say drink (with a side of dinner). So, I put my fish back in the refrigerator, grabbed my coat and headed out the door. Reason came in there somewhere, and I chose a Mexican food restaurant. If I had gone for a steak, I would have had wine, or worse yet, my celebratory martini, THEN wine. Margaritas are good, but if I’m going to fall off the wagon, I’m going down with what I really want to drink. In my mind, Mexican restaurants are not known for their wine or their martinis, so that’s where I headed. I had a HUGE plastic glass of water with a lemon, ordered dinner and thought about a glass of wine until dinner was in front of me.

After dinner, I headed home (noting all the liquor stores and bars along the way) so I could make some chocolate chips cookies. I focused on the cookies and set the oven to preheat as I walked in the door.

This has to stop. I am so mad that I can’t drink. It’s not fair. I may be sober and un-hungover this morning, but I’m still pissed.

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9 Responses to mad

  1. FitFatFood says:

    Wow, powerful post. It’s scary in one way that it doesn’t necessarily get easier the longer you go, but also great to hear such an honest account. 69 days is amazing, at Day 16 that feels like such a huge distance away.

    The thing that’s been keeping me going is “Nobody wants another Day 1” and that mantra, for me personally, has kept me going through the toughest bits.

    Well done for resisting and I hope the rest of the week feels easier for you.

    • Debbie says:

      Thanks. I truly don’t want another day 1, but I also really want a drink. I know this will pass, but right now it sucks! Thanks for sticking with me and congrats on 2 weeks going on 3. It is harder the first 30-40 days. Wolfie comes around less often now though, but he still comes around!

  2. momma bee says:

    Great job resisting….. I agree w/ FFF, 69 days and wow it is still hard but your doing it. NO more day 1’s. It is ok to be angry and mad but it will pass. Repeat, No more Day 1s. Your in a new place and a new sober life and change is hard but change can be very good! Hugs.

  3. Lisa Neumann says:

    Might you consider that you really don’t want another drink, what you want is to be in a different place mentally? I said the same thing early in sobriety and then one day it hit me, “I hate drinking” what I wanted was the story around drinking or the escape that came with drinking. This i had to work toward. For what it’s worth feel proud you resisted.Lots of white knuckling in the early days, but it gets better. Lots of love, Lisa

  4. Jean says:

    I know how you feel. Smart decision to go to the Mexican restaurant. Today on my way home from work I was having a conversation with myself regarding why shouldn’t I have one big delicious glass of red wine tonight, it is cold and rainy, my boss drove me crazy….But, I read something that said the universe gives you opportunities to review your commitment. When it happens like it did for you, you have to ask yourself will returning to your habit bring you closer or further away from your own heart. I know that drinking will bring me further away from my own heart. I read that on a yoga website, Tommy Rosen.
    I hope that you and me and all the people trying to quit and have better lives can continue to move forward with the commitment to quit drinking.
    Good for you at day 69.

  5. Lilly says:

    Ah, big hugs to you. I know how you feel too. I have had those days of just being ANGRY that I can’t drink “normally”. I’m even feeling a bit of it myself right now around the whole idea of the upcoming holidays and how everyone else will be having such “fun” drinking and I’ll have to miss out – and, yes, I am trying to change this mindset to something more positive or else it’s all too dangerous ground.

    But, it does get easier, it really does. And having one day like this is ok. You just don’t want to stay in that space of self pity/resentment about it or you will drink again.

    I think it might be time for some positive reading about sobriety that can help you get in a more ‘this rocks’ than ‘this sucks’ state of mind. Like Jason Vale or The Sober Revolution.

    Also, cookies! You rock. Great go-to back up plan.

    Don’t let it get to you too much. Accept this will pass. Treat yourself gently in the meantime and know that better feelings about it all are likely right around the corner.


  6. Ditto all of the above. Accept the resentment, I guess, but balance it with all that you’ve gained. That anger is really just Wolfie trying to undermine you. Tell him to take a hike. Remind yourself and celebrate how far you’ve come and what you’ve achieved.

  7. Running From the Booze says:

    I get this. It’ll pass, I promise. You know what? It’s good to admit the emotions that come with this, one of the hard parts for me was the emotions. I wanted life to be fixed once I stopped drinking, I’m sure there are recovery terms for feeling that way, and when it didn’t happen, even though logically I knew it couldn’t, I went into a major funk. I’m emerging from it but it’s taking work. Hang in there Debbie.

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