Wednesday I’ll be 9 weeks sober. Don’t have Ms Crazy riding me every day, all day, any longer. Her taunts, her subtlety, her convincing manner have been quieter and not as demanding. But, I do still think about drinking – frequently.
It doesn’t help that there are beer and alcohol advertisements on TV all the time. This weekend, I saw commercials for Grey Goose and Belvedere vodkas. Almost salivated. Then, last night I saw a commercial for Sam Adams Winter Lager. OMG! My mind went into over drive for about 30 seconds. If I were dying of thirst in the desert and given water, that would not compare to me being offered a Sam Adams right at that moment. All I could visualize was me draining the glass in one fell swoop. Not even stopping to enjoy it, just gulping it down. That thought was almost real. I just wanted it. No questions asked. And I would not stop to savor the flavor. All I wanted was to feel it going down my throat. I could not get it down fast enough.
Now don’t get me wrong, this was not a Ms Crazy moment or a crave that was undeniable. It was a thought, a fantasy, a mere moment’s time. I saw the frothy beer in that glass, and my mind immediately went to “If someone were to offer me a beer (and if I were going to take it), I would totally down that sucker on the spot. I would drink it greedily and hope that someone would hand me another so I could do the same.” And that’s just down right crazy.
And that become my “aha” moment. It sunk in that my drinking is not one of enjoyment but one of need. A real, no holds barred, subconscious need and this fantasy daydream made it come to life. It really is a monster inside me. I may be babbling here, but it just struck a chord. Yes, I know I have that addictive gene and yes, I know my body and mind really crave and desire alcohol. And yes, I knew it was a need I was losing control of. But this small moment of time, watching that commercial, it just brought it all to light. With gusto, I might add!
I can’t give in to alcohol EVER because I envision myself becoming that guzzling maniac. Again, not that I thought I could or would ever drink again, but this “aha” puts it more into perspective.
Another tool for my box.