“we’re never, ever, ever, getting back together” (I wish)

Well, I’m mad at myself but moving past it. I was going about my day on Friday and, as is the norm, starting thinking about having a drink at about 4:00pm. I planned my walk home from the bus stop so that I would pass a liquor store (which is not all that hard.) There are 3 on the way. I purchased a bottle of wine, put it in my pack and headed home. The bottle stayed in my pack until Saturday morning. I did not drink it although it sat less than 4 feet from me all evening. It just didn’t sound good – at all. What a relief. It was really rewarding to wake up on Saturday morning NOT hungover. I took the bottle upstairs to my daughter’s “house” and left it on her kitchen counter with a sticky note “Enjoy!”

All’s good.

Saturday, my daughter’s husband was outside doing some work on a dresser. When he was done, he and my daughter brought the dresser into the boy’s room. I went up stairs to see what the commotion was all about. I walked into the room and the dresser was in place and looked really good. He had done a great job on it. And there, in his hand, was an ice cold BEER. The bottle was slightly frosty and condensing. He had only taken a swallow so it was still full. Talk about a mouth-watering moment (of course, you have to really like beer :).) I congratulated them on their accomplishment and went back to my home downstairs. For the next few hours all I could think about was that beer.

At 4:30pm, I broke down. I went to their fridge and got me a cold one. Wow, it tasted SO good. So good, in fact, that I took my daughter’s car and went to the liquor store (FYI – our grocery stores don’t sell alcohol over 3.2% hence the reason I’m always headed to a liquor store). I bought a 12 pack of Island Hopping Hawaiian beers. I planned to share of course 🙂 I enjoyed 3 more beers through the course of the evening. No pats on the back for me this night.

Sunday, I woke feeling pretty good. No hangover or anything. Again, thinking, “This is it. Today is my Day 1 again and last night was the last of it.” Yeah, right. I ended up drinking 2 beers by 5pm on Sunday. Then, I was making dinner and saw that bottle of wine I had left up there Saturday morning. Damn. I so wish they had put it somewhere else. I had no self control by that time. I took the bottle and went to find my daughter. I apologized and told her I was taking the bottle back. (Total Indian giver. . . .wait, is that politically incorrect?)

bth_indiangiver

Ended up drinking just over half. Threw the rest away and went to bed. Not feeling my best today. Wanted to stay home with the grandsons, but I have no automobile. Aw well.

Here it is, another Day 1. I do so hate counting the days. I’m thinking I need a better toolbox, a better strategy (exit or otherwise), a better routine I can stick to. . . etc. Time to get things back into focus. I’m not giving up, EVER. No matter how many day 1’s I have to face. Because I know that one day soon, it’s gonna stick. My brother and the PTB are still watching over me. I know they are and I also know they will be there for me again. I just need to let them in.

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2 Responses to “we’re never, ever, ever, getting back together” (I wish)

  1. This is how this thing works – swearing off, temporarily relief, ego rebuilds, temptation, mental obsession, rationalization, drink, relief, regret, swearing off, etc.

    We’ve all been there. I danced waltz for I don’t know how many years. Drank for 25 years, 20 of those in an alcoholic nature. There were times when I made some attempts, and got 6 months at most with willpower. Then thought it was ok to drink moderately. Oh Lordy, put another 10 years on me before I was a right hot mess.

    I admire that you are willing to not give up…it’s now a matter of time to get more tools in that kit and start using them 🙂 This thing doesn’t go away and it wants us dead 😦

    Thank you for your honesty and sharing this with us all…very courageous.

    Love and light,
    Paul

  2. cheryl miller says:

    keep on keeping on… i too am on day two again but i am not going to beat myself up over it. as long as i keep gettin’ back on that dang horse i feel like i am making progress. something i did not do six months ago! hang in there and be glad for day one.

    peace, cheryl

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