There is so much to learn about myself. It seems to be such a daunting task. Number one: I don’t want to do go back there to get a good look at what I’ve done. Number two: soul searching and being honest about my fears is causing anxiety and I don’t want to go there either.
I’ve done a DAMN good job of keeping my dark, bad, ugly, lonely side to myself all these many years. I suppose I must get it out and let it go. I have lived my life reacting to all that was going on around me. I was seldom, if ever, proactive. My life has been a series of reactions. I have let stuff happen to me that I shouldn’t have. I’ve never stood up for myself. Or anyone for that matter. I’m spineless, a wimp, weak.
I remember back in 1982, I was working for a company in California. My bosses and I got along great. It was one of the best jobs I’ve ever had. One day, one of my bosses and I got to talking about relationships. I asked him if there was something wrong or unattractive about me because no one ever asked me out on dates. He said it was because I was so independent that I scared men away. That made sense. I was 24 and doing what I wanted along with taking care of my 3 year old. But, I was independent out of necessity. I was REACTING to what life has dropped in my lap.
I am not confrontational, I always defer to keep the peace, I rarely speak my mind (mostly because I’m so indecisive I don’t want to say anything I will later regret). These attributes are hard to overcome. It’s the fear thing all over again. I am still very independent, but again, it’s out of necessity. I have no one in my life to be dependent on besides myself.
I’ve been lonely all my life. My kids filled that void but now both are grown and have their own lives. I’m back to the task of having to create my own purpose, my own life, and I can’t figure out where to begin. I would prefer not to do this alone. I enjoy my own company well enough, but it would be nice to have someone else around.
What’s unfortunate is that I have lived by “doing the same shit but expecting a different result” mentality for a long time. I have been unable to break that cycle even though I am totally aware of what I’m doing.
Time to pull myself out of this funk. One day at a time.