my fear of the goal

(this is gonna be a long one)
I learn something new about myself every day. Yesterday was no exception. I feel the need to fess up, but I so don’t want to admit my failures. I have plenty more soul searching to do, but I wanted to write today. My hope is that by my telling it like it is, sharing what I’m going through and getting it out there, maybe in some small way I can help others during their own early journey to recovery.

I have reviewed some of my past blogs. There is a pattern here. Whenever I write that I’m feeling good, that things feel right and I’m on the upswing, that night turns into one of those nights. Argh 😦 It seems that I set myself up for failure by admitting I’m doing well. How bizarre is that? It’s like a self sabotage. Let me rephrase. It’s like a SUBCONSCIOUS self sabotage. I was really feeling pretty good when I was heading home. And then it hit.

I must have a fear of attaining my goals. I fail early on so I don’t have to fail at the actual goal. Pretty much like when I quit at 43 days sober because I was afraid of reaching 100 then failing. Where does this come from anyway? Maybe a good session with a hypnotherapist would come in handy at a time like this. Yesterday my goal was to run (ralk :)) 4 miles. But it scared me. I know, I just ran 3.2 miles Monday. An additional .8 miles should be cake, right? I feared I would not be able to do it. I came up with all kinds of excuses on the bus not to do it. It’s raining (read as ‘spitting’), my toe hurt, I don’t have 4 miles mapped for a run so I don’t know where to go, blah, blah. . . .

So what happened? I decided to go to dinner and have a drink. Boom, there is was. I knew full well this was a completely STUPID idea. But I just did not have the wherewithall or desire to even argue, due battle or fight it. She strikes at your most vulnerable times, am I right?

What is really odd though, for me anyway, was that once I got to the restaurant, the thought of drinking actually sounded bad. But my Ms Crazy was like, “Well, just order it anyway. It will taste good once you start to drink it.” I’ll be damned!! She was WRONG. Seriously wrong. I ordered my martini. It sat in front of me for a few minutes. I took a sip. “Hm,” I thought. “Not that bad. Not as enjoyable as in the past but not bad.” I had a few more sips getting through less than 1/4 of the glass (hard to tell in a martini glass). I was done with it. It tasted horrible. I put it to the top of the counter. Yuck. Take it away. There goes $9 literally down the drain. Then, I ordered dinner and a glass of their house Cab. I normally really enjoy their red wine. It’s the highlight of the dinner, USUALLY. It tasted, I don’t know, different? It was not very good, but I drank it anyway (naturally!). I finished my salad and dinner had arrived. I ordered another glass, but thought, “Okay, this time I’ll get the Merlot. Maybe it will taste better.” WRONG. It didn’t taste very good either. I finished eating, downed the last of the wine in the glass – and that was FORCED – leaving a small bit. Usually you would see me upending the glass to make sure I got the last droplet. I drove home – STRAIGHT home. I didn’t stop at the LQ as is my MO. The thought never crossed my mind. I didn’t want to have anything more to do with alcohol last night. (So out of character)

I was really, really glad it all tasted crappy. It’s about time I listen to my body – I mean REALLY listen ALL THE TIME. This stuff is literally poisoning me, and I have to step away. I just want to reach the 90/100 day mark where supposedly by then you have all the toxins out of your system. I just can’t make it a goal or I’ll likely find a way to not accomplish it. (Hence, the last 4 months of on again/off again) I still don’t understand why this is. Fear is a terrible thing.

Best I tackle the task I have avoided for weeks now – writing down my ~long~ list of fears and ask the PTB to remove them from my life. Something’s gotta give.

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7 Responses to my fear of the goal

  1. fern says:

    Hugs to you. Alcoholism is cunning so please don’t be hard on yourself. You deserve lots of love right now!

    I like to drink when I’m feeling good and I drink when I feel bad. Last night I had a pounding headache and my first thought was, “alcohol would take this away.” That is a sick way of thinking and I know it. Rationally, I knew alcohol would not help and would most likely bring on a full-blown migraine. I went to a meeting instead and the simplest words hit me. Someone said, “Even if you want to drink, you don’t have to.” I know that’s convoluted but so is my alcoholic thinking so it somehow makes sense to me.

    You are on the right path — for you — in your journey to sobriety.


  2. jamilynaz says:

    You know, I have had a lot of ‘day ones’ since I started trying to get sober, so don’t feel like you’re alone. My sponsor has told me that a lot of people relapse when things are going well…we get complacent, we aren’t distracted by things going wrong, we feel happy and our addiction tells us that we can now drink like normal people.
    Keep your chin up and take it one day at a time. 🙂

  3. As they say, nothing worse than having a belly full of booze and head full of recovery (speak / understanding). Sorry to hear it went sideways there for you, and I do understand the thing about sabotaging ourselves when things seem to go well. For me I have seen that as the fear of success. Sounds strange, I know, but I found that it wasn’t the fear of rejection or failing that pulled me down a lot, but of succeeding. Hell, I still fight that one. It’s as if I don’t deserve to do well, so I unconsciously screw stuff up in a way to prove to myself and everyone else that – you see? I knew I would stumble, drop the ball, f*ck up. And then that just gets in a loop, a vicious cycle – that is just me, though. 🙂

    Moving out of our comfort zone is tough, so I know how it is to keep banging your head against the wall, wanting to change but it not happening, or at least the way we see it. I do that with other things lately, so I get it. But I know that I have to do something different to have different results. And that is my work these days…and that is how I had to approach sobriety. Still do…or else I find myself slipping into old habits…ugh.

    Be gentle on yourself.


    • Debbie says:

      Paul, you always know just what to say. Thanks for your kind words. And thanks for taking the time to read my posts. It’s nice to know people out there care and you are one of them. Blessings to you as well, my dear fellow.

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