I have the urge to write, but to write what? I don’t know. It could be because I’m bored here at work or maybe I feel the need to write daily so I’m in contact with everyone in our ever growing community. A reach out and touch someone kind of thing.
My best friend called me last night. We haven’t spoken for quite a while and it was so good to hear from her. We’ve been besties since we were 15 years old. We were really close in high school, were roomies in college (for a semester until I decided I needed to go to a different university), were each the other’s maid/matron of honor at our weddings. She also married my best ‘male’ friend. (He was my first friend when my family moved to a new town at 14.) I admire my bff and love her dearly. We’ve shared so many good times. Plus we share the same first name 🙂
But as the years have come and gone, she in another town, me never in the same place, it’s been hard to keep up. We continue to talk and try our best to get together but life has butted in. Now we both have grandkids. She’s also a school teacher so finding time in her schedule for the two of us to get together can be difficult. Her summer vacations are so short! And with me living in my daughter’s basement, I don’t have room for her if she were to come visit me.
I miss the closeness we once had. We could tell each other anything and usually did. I will always be grateful that she was the one by my side when I was falling down drunk. She was always the sober one. Lying for me, taking care of me, holding back my hair. Why she ever hung out with me, I’ll never know. She hardly drank and never smoked (anything). I’ve always felt I could have been such a better friend to her than I was. Sure I helped her with Saturday chores when her mom was at work, I yelled at her little sisters as much as she did, I helped her rehearse her lines for the plays she was in. We spent nights every weekend at the other’s house watching Fright Night and drinking Dr Pepper until the wee hours. One time at a sleep over, we decided not to sleep over 🙂 and walked home a couple of miles in the middle of the night. We hung out on my front lawn and greeted the milkman – yes, we had a milkman back then. Good times!
But I was a teenager and it was always about me me me. I regret that (and have for a very long time.) I know I should be looking at and performing Step 8. Actually, I think about it a lot and about all those people I treated badly over the years.
From Step 8: “”Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.” In many instances we shall find that though the harm done others has not been great, the emotional harm we have done ourselves has. Very deep, sometimes quite forgotten, damaging emotional conflicts persist below the level of consciousness. At the time of these occurrences, they may actually have given our emotions violent twists which have since discolored our personalities and altered our lives for the worse…”
My bff has always been there for me. I want her to know that I know I was a jerk way back when. It does not escape me that I asked her to do things she NEVER, EVER in this life time would have done if I had not asked. I didn’t see it at the time, but when I got older and looked back, I was so ashamed. The only selfish thing I did that actually ended up being in her favor was asking her to hang out with my this one guy at a party so I could be with another guy. She and “this guy” have been together 40 years.
Like I said, we have grown apart and have totally opposite/different lives now, but I still consider her my best friend and hope that soon we can be together to reconnect and rekindle that bond we had. I believe we can do it. I hope she knows that she can still tell me anything.
Here’s to Step 8