every day is one day more

I did some soul searching, some re-evaluating, some list making, some time just figuring out where my head is at. I took advantage of this past week. I fell off the proverbial wagon on Tuesday night, day 43. Had a delicious blood orange martini, 2 glasses of Chianti and a pizza. Stopped at the local LQ and bought my usual small box of red and headed home. Woke up with the pounding head, the Sahara desert in my mouth, sweating and it was 3:30am. Does that sound familiar to anyone? Got up, took some acetaminaphin, drank a large glass of water and went back to bed only to have to rise again at 7:00am, take more pain meds, drink more water and get ready for work.

Well, because I drank on Tuesday, I figured, what the heck, I’m on a roll now, may as well get it out of my system. I stopped at the local Applebee’s and had a lemon drop martini and a brutus beer with some buffalo wings. Yum, yum (not) But that was it. Consequently, Thursday morning was a breeze. So to celebrate (huh?) I went to Saltgrass for dinner that night. I started off with my usual Bombay Sapphire martini but the regular bartender who knows how to make my drink wasn’t there. Unfortunately, it was a mediocre martini. But I drank it any way. Then on to a delicious (expensive) steak dinner with 2 glasses of their cab.

Now comes the scary part, the part where I don’t want to reveal that I was an idiot. Some back history before I admit my stupidity. I never black out. I always remember what I’m doing and what I have done. Never say never. In the past year, I have begun to experience these black outs. The first time totally freaked me out. What a horrible sensation to wake up and not remember what I had done the night before. Luckily, I was in my apartment at the time. It has now gotten to the point where I can watch TV and the next morning, not remember what I watched, AT ALL. Now, I don’t get falling down drunk or anything. I am aware of what I am doing because my teeth are brushed, lights are off, I find myself in my pj’s. But the next morning wonder what I did. When I am “drunk” I normally fall asleep on the couch. So that’s the back story, now let’s come back to the present day. I was an idiot but didn’t realize it until the next day.

After the lovely and expensive steak dinner, I drove to a liquor store and bought my usual. And drove home. I watched a Downtown Abbey Season 3 DVD, surfed the channels a bit and went to bed. Now comes the horrible part: I do not remember driving to the liquor store from the restaurant. I remember being in the store purchasing the wine but not the traveling to get there. I do not remember getting home. I only remembered about 5 minutes of Downtown Abbey. I did not even finish the wine in the box. I had half a glass still out and about 1 glass left in the bottle. Needless to say, Friday morning at work was rough. Now, honestly, in my book, that is NOT a lot of alcohol. The glasses of cab at the restaurant are your standard 5 oz and I only drank 1/2 the small box. Scary.

Friday night was book club where wine is the drink du jour. I had, total, about a half a glass. Saturday, I went to the movies at Cinebarre (where you can eat and drink while watching the movie). So while there, I got dinner and 2 glasses of beer. The beer tasted pretty damn good, but I did not stop to get more. Fortunately, I was full. Yesterday evening, my daughter and her husband had the neighbor’s over for drinks and chips. I said hello and stuck around for a bit but didn’t want to partake, so left them out in the garage and went back downstairs to my “house”.

Thought a lot this weekend about what was going on. The WHY’s of it all. It’s going to be a rough next 30 days, but I’m okay with what I did. Counting the days can be quite rewarding, but my problem was looking into the future and the days ahead. That was my downfall. My fear of the future and my certainty that I will screw it up. From now on, every day is day 1. Or how ’bout, every day is new day? Or every day is one day MORE than I had yesterday?

What doesn’t kill me WILL make me stronger.

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7 Responses to every day is one day more

  1. Ann Marquez says:

    Not to make light of the situation, but if it makes you feel any better, I can’t remember five minutes ago … without drinking. 😉 But, seriously, please don’t drink and get behind the wheel. Please. How bout you make that a sacred goal? If you thought of the car as a sacred space? Like when I quit smoking, the first place I stopped smoking was in the car, then I stopped smoking in the living room, then indoors …

    • Debbie says:

      Thanks Ann. And that’s why I claimed to be an idiot that day.

      • Ann Marquez says:

        You’re not an idiot! It could be that you don’t remember because you were so focused on the battle. That happens to me often when my thoughts are too focused on one thing. But setting boundaries (especially this one) may be a good place to start? 😀

      • Debbie says:

        Well, I was that day! But, that being said, there is no setting boundaries, the boundary is NOT drinking at all 🙂 Now that I have begun having these “black outs” with minimal alcohol consumption, there will be no more drinking away from home. THanks for your concern, Ann. Always appreciated.

  2. mels journey says:

    I just wanted to let you know that I am one of your silent followers. I am rooting for you everyday and am your invisible shoulder to cry on. It’s obviously not easy. I usually make it 3 days and then fall off.

  3. Cricket says:

    I completely get the part about not remembering what you watched the night before. I wake in the mornings, look around the house, and think, “Oh, that’s right, this happened” or “what the heck was I doing???”…

    It’s old. So old. 😦

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