same question, different day

I can’t decide if I want to head back to AA. I’m not really into the Big Book or the 12 steps, but I wonder if I need the camaraderie or face to face interaction? I think about going about 2 times a week but never make it.

The reason I’m thinking about it today is I am on the down slide again. Inevitable of course. But it sucks. I think about just stopping for a bottle on the way home and just enjoying it. I want to fall off this wagon so when I get back on, it will be easier. Yeah, I know. Doesn’t work that way. But tell Ms Crazy that. I read posts that talk about how you learn from each failure and when the time is right, it’s right. I can’t honestly say what’s right and what’s not. I re-read my reasons for quitting, but none of them really compel me to continue with my sobriety. Am I just not ready to do this?

My life sucks whether I’m drinking or not (and yes, I take antidepressants) which makes it hard to hang on to the sober side. It’s the old ‘back and forth’ going on. The positives SO outweigh the negative, but the negative is WAY more powerful. Hence, the thinking that I might need AA to have some face time with people as a reminder of why I am doing this.

Don’t know. Hate to give up after 43 days. July 2 being 50 and August 21 being 100. Maybe I should quit counting.

I did a count of days that I feel good and days that I do not. Appears the good outweighs the bad big time. Days 1-9 were good; 10-14 bad; 15-25 good; 26-32 bad; 33-42 good. So overall, I’ve had 30 days of good and 13 days of bad out of 43. How come it doesn’t feel that way? I mean, seriously, that’s 70% positive to 30% negative. Absolutely crazy that I should feel like I do.

Today, even though I sit here at work and should be doing something constructive, all I can think about is drinking. Same question, different day – DOES THIS EVER END?

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9 Responses to same question, different day

  1. Hey Debbie,
    Some days suck, they really do. Drinking won’t make them suck less–you’ll just feel suckier (is that a word? Haha.)
    Hey, why not give AA a shot or another recovery group if you’re in a big area. The face to face made a huge difference for me!
    Thinking of you ((hugs)).

    • Debbie says:

      Thanks Christy. I think suckier is a word!! And I do feel suckier. (I drank) I am going to give AA a try again this week. Get myself back up on the wagon. And also get back out there and run!

      • Don’t beat yourself up too much over it. Just try to learn from it and like you said, get yourself back up.
        Rooting for you! If I can help in any way, just ask. xx

  2. Your words are my words – I’m still amazed at how similar all of us who are trying to stay sober are. Your thoughts on AA compelled me to leave this note. I think you’re on to something, looking at AA as an opportunity for face-to-face camaraderie. It’s very easy in depression to isolate ourselves, which can give our inner addict a louder voice. Like Christy said, give it a shot! Good luck – I’m cheering you on from the sidelines!

    • Debbie says:

      Truly, it’s amazing how many of our stories are similar. I do isolate myself but so appreciate your cheers! I will try to get myself out there!

  3. byebyebeer says:

    There was something so comforting about meetings in the early days. You don’t have to get a sponsor or work the steps…as someone reminded me the other day, the only requirement is a desire to stop drinking.

    Those up and down days are totally, completely normal. It does get easier over time, but that doesn’t exactly help you today to know that. Do what you need to stay sober today.

    • Debbie says:

      Thanks! You are so right. I guess I felt I had to get that sponsor and work those steps. But just having the desire to stop is the only reason I need to go. Everyone was really nice and supportive when I went the last time. One day at a time, right?

      • byebyebeer says:

        Believe me, I thought the same. I got the sponsor, worked the steps, joined a home group. Just talked to someone who’s been going the past 2 years without doing any of those things. And he’s doing good and still going. I think finding the right meeting is probably most important.

  4. Hi Debbie – really related to your post today. I’ve just started going to AA and I’m finding it so helpful. There is something amazing about meeting someone else going through the same thing. I’ve not decided if i will do the 12 steps or get a sponsor – for now the meetings are just really comforting. I wish I’d gone sooner. And I agree with christy’s logic about the sucky days! A bad sober day is never as bad as a hungover depressed one x

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