does it ever end?

OMG, last night was the worst . . . . THE WORST. I hope to God tonight is not going to be the same. I may not be able to handle it. Last night was . . . .

last night. It’s over, it’s done, it’s in the past, it’s not going to happen the exact way ever again. I’ve got to let it go. It was rough, it was like strings were attached by my body pulling me toward the bar. Literally. It was an emotional as well as physical battle. It was awful to be so not in control of my self. Awful.

Now I see why AA pushes the sponsor thing. Didn’t understand it until last night. Thank God I have my sister and thank God she was home or I would be beating myself up about now. She talked me through it. She didn’t say anything really. She was just there. That calming voice through the airwaves. It gave me strength I guess. Maybe not so much strength as a diversion. It gave me something else to think about and something to do until the hand wringing and anxiety slowly went away. I swear to God there was nothing going to stop me from going to the bar. Nothing. I was dead set on going. I obviously knew it was a bad idea and had the wherewithal to reach out to someone for help.

I sat in the parking lot talking to her for about 15/20 minutes. I finally got up the nerve to begin the drive home. My sister was still on the line with me. I pulled in to my driveway and sat there for another 5 minutes or so still talking to her. I was ready to back out and get back on the road to the bar, but we continued to talk. Finally I got the nerve to end the conversation, turn off the car and walk into the house. Once I was in the house, I actually felt better. I cooked a dinner in a bag from P F Changs, poured myself a large glass of water and ate dinner.

Shew, it was over. It lasted from about 4:30pm to 7:00pm. Longest 2 1/2 hours E..V..E..R. OMG, will this nerve racking, god awful craving to drink ever end? Please say yes.

T-69
Day 31