does it ever end?

OMG, last night was the worst . . . . THE WORST. I hope to God tonight is not going to be the same. I may not be able to handle it. Last night was . . . .

last night. It’s over, it’s done, it’s in the past, it’s not going to happen the exact way ever again. I’ve got to let it go. It was rough, it was like strings were attached by my body pulling me toward the bar. Literally. It was an emotional as well as physical battle. It was awful to be so not in control of my self. Awful.

Now I see why AA pushes the sponsor thing. Didn’t understand it until last night. Thank God I have my sister and thank God she was home or I would be beating myself up about now. She talked me through it. She didn’t say anything really. She was just there. That calming voice through the airwaves. It gave me strength I guess. Maybe not so much strength as a diversion. It gave me something else to think about and something to do until the hand wringing and anxiety slowly went away. I swear to God there was nothing going to stop me from going to the bar. Nothing. I was dead set on going. I obviously knew it was a bad idea and had the wherewithal to reach out to someone for help.

I sat in the parking lot talking to her for about 15/20 minutes. I finally got up the nerve to begin the drive home. My sister was still on the line with me. I pulled in to my driveway and sat there for another 5 minutes or so still talking to her. I was ready to back out and get back on the road to the bar, but we continued to talk. Finally I got the nerve to end the conversation, turn off the car and walk into the house. Once I was in the house, I actually felt better. I cooked a dinner in a bag from P F Changs, poured myself a large glass of water and ate dinner.

Shew, it was over. It lasted from about 4:30pm to 7:00pm. Longest 2 1/2 hours E..V..E..R. OMG, will this nerve racking, god awful craving to drink ever end? Please say yes.

T-69
Day 31

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16 Responses to does it ever end?

  1. This is especially nice to read now that I finally got a sponsor a few days ago. That is awesome that you reached out to her and that she talked you through it. Great success story!!!

    • Debbie says:

      Thanks. I don’t know if I could do the sponsor thing. I’m just really fortunate I have a sister that is there for me any time, day or night. It was a success story, wasn’t it? Appreciate that!!

      • Ahhh…for some reason I thought it was your sponsor you reached out. Very cool that it was your sister who could help…and also that you did your part both in reaching out and talking it all the way through. Kudos!

      • Ahhh…for some reason I thought it was your sponsor you reached out to. Very cool that it was your sister who could help…and also that you did your part both in reaching out and talking it all the way through. Kudos!

      • Debbie says:

        Hey, that’s okay! At least I had someone to call!

  2. tina5458 says:

    I’ve been told that keep trying till the miracle happens….but I to white knuckle daily!

  3. Pip says:

    “I swear to God there was nothing going to stop me from going to the bar. Nothing. I was dead set on going. I obviously knew it was a bad idea and had the wherewithal to reach out to someone for help.” That last sentence is the key to it all. 🙂 You did it!

  4. soberinheels says:

    You should be so proud of yourself!! You reached out!!! That’s what I love about the fellowship help is always as readily available as alcohol and last night you made the best choice for you. I hope you have a good day today knowing your never alone 🙂

    • Debbie says:

      Thanks. I think reaching out to my sister was the best thing I could have done. Appreciate your support and love your blog. Glad you are back 🙂

  5. soberrella says:

    I am so happy for you that you surfed your way back to sanity. Good for you. Keep your eye on the prize.
    Soberrella

  6. Have you seen the progress, you were ABLE to say no! To resist the inner voice that can be so strong. Picked the right tool! You must be really proud. Debbie WIN! Wolfie:lose!!!!

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