son of a bitch

I feel like I have let everyone down. Myself included.  After all that emotional turmoil on Friday, I did go for a drink. What’s so odd is that the signs were all over the place helping me to get a grip. Oh, I saw them. I recognized them for what they were and ignored them anyway.  Crazy is SO STUBBORN.

I ended up having to stay at work for about a 1/2 an hour longer than normal (1). I missed the last bus closest to my work by about 2 minutes so I had to go to the bus station and catch a bus there (2).  I got to my car at 6:35pm. That left me no time to get to where I wanted to go for happy hour (3). So, I went to a closer stand by and the place was packed. And I had to search for a place to park ending up way far away from the entrance (4). Once in, the place was wall to wall people. I had to stand at the bar because there was no where to sit (5). You’d think those 5 things alone would have been more than enough to turn me around and head me to the safety of my home. Ha, #1 and #2 should have been enough!

But noooooo, I was not deterred. Crazy was not going to let go. 12 days and I tossed them aside like a used tissue. Once I took that first sip of wine, I felt no remorse. This was my prize.

And I begin again. My hope is that every time I’ve succumbed to drinking, I’ve learned a little more about setting up my defenses – so that next time I’m better prepared for Crazy and her scheming and conniving ways. Eventually showing her that Sensible is the stronger of the two and she must give up (and go AWAY).

Day 2

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4 Responses to son of a bitch

  1. tina5458 says:

    Thanks for sharing this honest and all to familiar dance with alcohol! I too am trying to get some time of sobriety under my belt. I don’t write about my adventures like you have done. I am more of a poet at heart. I have been in and out of sobriety since March 2010. The longest I have had sober has been 6 months. I just keep trying and getting on that horse and riding. There is a saying that they have in AA…Once you go to enough AA meetings it ruins your drinking. Keep writing….and trying!

    • Debbie says:

      Thank you so much for writing. It really helps so much knowing I have people out there cheering for me and wishing me well. I enjoy your poetry 🙂

  2. Lilly says:

    Oh lord. I’ve been here so many times. I find once I’ve made that decision to drink it’s pretty hard to be deterred. And other times it doesn’t even feel like a ‘decision’ per se – more like it ‘just happens’. But of course it doesn’t. And we learn to recognise the warning signs better and sooner. You haven’t failed til you quit trying.

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