how badly do I really want it?

Crap…..does the need, want, desire, insanity, urge ever STOP? All I’ve thought about this afternoon is having drinks when I get off work. Why? Why? Why? I’ve tried to eat something, but it hasn’t worked. Of course, it was just some string cheese. Maybe I need something more substantial? I ate a handful of Skittles. That didn’t work either. Probably only helped to exacerbate the problem. I have no big plans this weekend. My ribs hurt today so I canceled my bootcamp session for tomorrow. I certainly don’t want my injury to get any worse. Although canceling my workout may help with my healing, it’s probably not the best idea when it comes to keeping sober – giving myself latitude to do something stupid because I have nothing else to do. I am rationalizing all over the place. Damn it.

It was suggested I write down 20 reasons I quit drinking and make it a point to re-read these and add more when I’m in this current state of ‘gotta have it.’ Well, I’ll give that a try and continue to read everyone’s wonderful, uplifting, and heartfelt posts in hopes it reminds me of how much better I’ll feel when I don’t let Crazy win. Unfortunately, once Crazy wins, I’m back to day one. It’s sad, really, that no matter how many points Sensible racks up on the counter, one win for Crazy puts it back to 0. That sucks.

Day 12

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5 Responses to how badly do I really want it?

  1. whinelessinwashington says:

    Eating is good. Really reward yourself with a good meal, and some bubbly water or something that makes you happy that is like a cold glass of white wine or whatever works. The calories are better than alcohol! Then get busy. Do something – something FUN. Something rewarding. When I did work or cleaning, it just made me depressed or mad – especially after working all day and even more so if it was a friday night! YOU CAN DO IT! Go, girl! Ellen

    • Debbie says:

      Thanks for all the great ideas. Friday didn’t work out so well, but I hadn’t read your comment yet! haha

      • whinelessinwashington says:

        No worries! You can do it…I am just about to post something about all my starts and stops. And starts, and stops.

        It will come. You are on the right path. Being here verifies that!

  2. Hang in there, it gets easier. If boot camp is too tough with your injury, you can always just go for a walk or something? And oh my god, I ate gallons of jelly beans in my first 90 days. There’s so much sugar in alcohol, especially wine, that our body still craves the sugar.

    Rooting for you, you can do it!

    • Debbie says:

      Knowing it gets easier is something I need to remember! The weather has finally become spring/summer here so getting out doors and just walking is a good tip. Thanks again for being there for me!

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