down the drain

spilled wine
I came SO CLOSE to drinking last night. Wow, I mean really, really close. I think the urge was a carry over from the day before when I started thinking about going to Macaroni Grill. The feeling kind of hung with me through out the day yesterday. Not bad, but it was there.

I went to my workout with my PT. He made it a relatively easy workout since my ribs and upper right arm are still pretty sore. I felt pretty good as I was packing up to head home. Then it hit. I was walking to my car, Crazy and Sensible having their usual debate. Crazy kept saying that one (small) box of wine, just for tonight, wouldn’t harm me. Sensible’s like “Are you kidding me? Yes it will.” She’s saying, “Don’t give in. Don’t do it. It’s not worth it. You will be at day 1 again tomorrow and be starting ALL OVER again. That would totally suck.” I must have sat in my car for 10 minutes trying to decide what to do. I really wanted to drink. No emotional reason tied to it. I just wanted a drink. But then I remembered that if I had a granola bar or something to cram in my mouth to take away that gnawing feeling in my gut this urge would pass. I had nothing. Now, the grocery story is right next to the liquor store, so I could easily walk into the store, buy a box of granola bars or something similar. Or I could just walk in to the LQ. What will it be?

I finally left the parking lot, heading in the direction of the store/LQ. What to do? What to do? Crazy and Sensible are still arguing. No discernable outcome has been reached.

I pull in to a spot in front of the LQ. OF COURSE I DID. I bought my wine and headed home. Crazy and Sensible are quiet now. There’s no berating, no guilt, no real emotion whatsoever. I had my wine, end of discussion.

When I pulled into the driveway, I had a sinking feeling. Guilt began to creep in. It appeared as though my daughter and her husband were home. I had to hide the wine! I didn’t want them to see I failed after only 10 days. Fortunately, the box is small and fits into my bag with no problem. I’m telling myself, “Just walk in, say hey, and head downstairs. No one will be the wiser.” Geez! Hiding my drinking from my daughter? Who does that? I’m the grown up here. Well, I didn’t have to worry, neither of them was home.

I pulled out a glass, poured my wine, heated up some leftovers for dinner and sat down on the couch. I picked up the wine glass, smelled the wine and started to take a drink. But didn’t. I put the glass down. Had a few bites of dinner, picked up the wine again and held the glass. I couldn’t do it. Actually, the thought of drinking it didn’t even sound good. But, I WANTED to do it, I mean REALLY wanted to do it but just couldn’t. A few thoughts were running through my mind. 1) Did I really want to do this? 2) Is this going to be worth it?

The glass was still sitting on the side table with the box next to it when 8:30pm rolls around. Crazy’s says, “Just take a sip and see if it even tastes good to you.” Sensible, “Bad idea.” When 9:00pm came, I didn’t even want it. I had a bowl of ice cream instead.

When I got up this morning, I considered keeping what was left in the box. . . . .just in case. “Really? You think that’s such a good idea?” you say. Ha! You are correct. “Just in case” is Crazy talking. After a few moments consideration, I poured both the glass and the box down the drain. Gone.

Now, that was TOO CLOSE. But thanks to everyone’s support and blogs out there, I managed to get through the night.

Day 11

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9 Responses to down the drain

  1. whinelessinwashington says:

    GOOD FOR YOU!!!! I’m impressed you could still say no even when 1. purchased 2. alone with it in a house….by yourself 3. poured in a glass 4. sitting in front of you that long!
    You are STRONG. Better than your CRAZY self, your logical, healthy smart self won out, and that’s the one you want to hang with! Way to go!!! Congrats on day 11!

  2. WOW, you did it! CARZY: O- SENSIBLE:1 keep it up!!!!you are doing so well

  3. soberinheels says:

    Well done. To come back from the brink like that is a sign that sensible kicks crazy’s butt 🙂

  4. You rock. This is seriously awesome.
    Work on finding something, anything, to do though when that voice says, “drive to the liquor store…” because if you don’t have it, you can’t drink it. Sit it out and think through all of the bad shit that follows. Maybe write a list of the top 20 reasons you quit drinking and read it each time that craving comes (add one item to the list each day if you can.)
    Congrats on 11 days!!
    Christy

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