it is illogical

2189900677_e33a5f22f3_tWow, could I be any more disappointed in myself right now? I wish I could explain to all my non-alcoholic friends and family about the switch that comes on in my body/brain when that urge to drink hits. That’s the only way I know how to describe it. . . . a switch.

Once it comes on, it wipes away all logic. Seriously, I don’t know how this happens, but it does. I am actually aware that I can’t focus on the rational. I reach deep in myself to find solid logic and it’s just not there. It eludes me. You know it should be there, but it’s not. Really. That’s what makes it so hard. It doesn’t matter what I throw at it. Nothing works. But, like I said, I am no longer rational or logical at that stage. Mr. Spock would totally not understand. 🙂

It’s as though my motives for not drinking carry no weight. I make arguments against drinking, knowing I shouldn’t, knowing I will feel better if I don’t, understanding what I’m getting myself into, but yet, I do it anyway. Where is the rationality in that? Why can’t I just turn that switch off? And why didn’t it come on the day before, or the day before that? Why, on this day, does it choose to come on?

Talking to someone on the phone at this stage wouldn’t help. I want it. I will have it. End of discussion. Now, if that someone physically comes to get me, grabs my hand and drags me away, then there may be a chance.

It’s so overwhelmingly exasperating.

Day 2

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3 Responses to it is illogical

  1. fern says:

    Hey there. I went through many mini-relapses, as I like to refer to them. Every weekend I would drink, dry out for the week and then, against my better judgment, drink again come Friday (or sometimes even Thursday). I didn’t really set an intention to seriously stop drinking until I had been in therapy for my excessive alcohol use. It was effecting my blood pressure, weight and energy and something had to give! The whole idea of giving up the need is scary. Alcohol gives us a thrill and a sedative effect all in one. Life feels a bit duller without alcohol but I also like that I don’t have hangovers every weekend and I don’t need a few days to spring back. Being even-keel is a gift of sobriety.

    I just wanted to share in a non-confrontational way. You will find your own path so good luck to you!

    Fern, a couple months sober

  2. Hi. I can so relate to the switch.I am also seeking a way to ALWAYS keep it off. Keep sharing!

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