Wow, could I be any more disappointed in myself right now? I wish I could explain to all my non-alcoholic friends and family about the switch that comes on in my body/brain when that urge to drink hits. That’s the only way I know how to describe it. . . . a switch.
Once it comes on, it wipes away all logic. Seriously, I don’t know how this happens, but it does. I am actually aware that I can’t focus on the rational. I reach deep in myself to find solid logic and it’s just not there. It eludes me. You know it should be there, but it’s not. Really. That’s what makes it so hard. It doesn’t matter what I throw at it. Nothing works. But, like I said, I am no longer rational or logical at that stage. Mr. Spock would totally not understand. 🙂
It’s as though my motives for not drinking carry no weight. I make arguments against drinking, knowing I shouldn’t, knowing I will feel better if I don’t, understanding what I’m getting myself into, but yet, I do it anyway. Where is the rationality in that? Why can’t I just turn that switch off? And why didn’t it come on the day before, or the day before that? Why, on this day, does it choose to come on?
Talking to someone on the phone at this stage wouldn’t help. I want it. I will have it. End of discussion. Now, if that someone physically comes to get me, grabs my hand and drags me away, then there may be a chance.
It’s so overwhelmingly exasperating.