the divorce

martiniwAt this stage, I thought I would write a little bit about how I became an alcoholic. I’m not even sure that’s the correct way to state that. Did I become an alcoholic, was I already predisposed to becoming an alcoholic?

I began drinking at an early age and will blame peer pressure for that. Although, I did enjoy it. But, I am one to follow the crowd, for sure. I wanted everyone to think I was cool. I drank mostly at parties. And when I drank, I drank. My best friend always had to be the one to get me home, lie for me and hold my hair. As I got older (into my 20’s), I was pretty good about only drinking on the weekends and that was usually just on Friday night. I drank that way for years. That’s not to say I didn’t drink on week nights, I did. But it wasn’t with frequency or consistency. I also didn’t drink when I was pregnant. Just sayin’ 🙂

I like to drink (of course). When I do drink, I can’t stop. Well, I can stop, but not as soon as I should. After reading above, it’s pretty obvious I’ve always been like that. I used to be able to control the days I would not drink but that has gradually gotten away from me. For the last 3 years or so, I would say that I have had something to drink 4 if not 5 of 7 nights. That’s not just one drink either. And yes, I said HAD TO. Sure, I wanted it, but I think it was more that I needed it. When I realized I had come to this stage, I knew I was in trouble. From there, it took me a couple more years to convince myself to do something about it. And here I am.

I don’t know why it scares me to not drink. Scare is probably an odd word to use there. But, I think about barbeques on a hot summer day and enjoying an ice cold beer. I think about going on a date and sharing a delicious steak dinner with a bottle of good red wine. I think about going to happy hour with friends and ordering a martini. It bothers me that I have to give that up. Do I think the experience will be less enjoyable? What am I afraid of? Eating a steak with a glass of perfectly chilled WATER? I just don’t see it. Truly, I don’t. Is it a mind game I play? Is it old habits just unwilling to die? Is it bizarre that I feel this way?

Alcohol has been a constant companion in my life for 40 years. I guess I could compare my being sober to a divorce. I know I’ll be okay once I get over the breakup and move on. It’s just going through the breakup that’s so damn hard.

Day 5

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