I believe it’s been a couple of years or so since I last posted. And this has not been because I didn’t want to. Once I finally got around to starting up again, I could not remember how to access the site. Seriously, getting old doesn’t help and being forgetful didn’t help either. Every time I tried to get on here, I could not remember my password and then I couldn’t access my email for this account.
But through perseverance, I finally was able to get back on. And here I am.
5 YEARS – 6 MONTHS – 11 DAYS SOBER
I have not read any of your posts for at least 3 years either and I regret that decision. But again, I could not get on the site and lost track of the links to my sobersphere pals. I can’t wait to get started reading again.
To recap the last few years . . . . Well I ended my writing with my breast cancer journey. Surgery March 20, 2019, chemo June to August 2019. Losing my hair, feeling like crap and itching like crazy those 3 months. Finally getting my hair to come in and it came in CURLY. Was cute for about 3 months, but then it was unruly. I hated it. I kept cutting my hair until I finally got rid of it. Took over a year.
In 2020, the remote work began. I still lived in my apartment in Denver, CO at the time. I finally convinced my managers to allow me to work from my home (remember my 24′ travel trailer I purchased in 2017?) in New Mexico. They finally agreed. I am now, and have been for the last year, living in my tiny trailer on my sister’s property. Working remotely. . .
Pros and cons – miss my gal friends in CO. We did a lot together and that helped to fix some of my ‘lonely’. I never really felt like part of the group, though. Still an outsider after 6 years of doing stuff together. But, we did have some fun times. Now that I’m no longer there, and with the pandemic, rekindling old friendships here in NM and just trying to create new friendships has been hard. Not being able to socialize for this past year has again taken its toll. Hence, a fear of backsliding.
So, now that you have a little back story – let me fill you in on my sober journey —
I will totally admit that the last few years have been much easier than the first 2 years of not drinking. I re-read all my posts from beginning to end this week. I forgot how hard the witching hour was and how constant it was in my life. I must never forget again. . .a revamp of the tool box is in order.
I DO still think about drinking. Some weeks are tougher than others. As stated, I am incredibly lonely right now, living out in the ‘country’ so to speak and not having any friends here to hang out with has been downright difficult. But I am making it work and still trying to reconnect with friends now that things have lightened up a bit.
To be honest, it’s not my Ms Crazy (aka wolfie) screaming at me to get a drink- thank God. But, I still think about drinking and wish I could have a drink sometimes. But for the most part, my days are good. Love the no hangover mornings – can’t stress that enough. I see a bottle of wine at the store and think, “man that would be nice” heavy sigh… Then I re-live what would happen in about .5 seconds and I move on. Next thought, “should I get plain chips or salt and vinegar?”
One of my quirks I suppose is that if allowed, I smell everyone’s drinks. I enjoy smelling whiskey or scotch or a Cab. I don’t smell mixed drinks though (LOL). They don’t smell of alcohol 🙂 I guess since I can’t drink it, at least I can smell it. Not sure. . .
Being sober is a good thing. I am so grateful that I’m still sober. I haven’t read anyone’s blogs so have no idea where others are at 5 years and how they are feeling. I have no idea if what I’m going through is normal, weird, odd or what. But it’s what I’M going through. I wish I didn’t think about it at all. I wish I could just resign myself to not drinking and not fantasize it. (Trust me, I DO fantasize.) I’m hoping that as the years get farther along that the desire and thoughts diminish to once or twice year. THAT would be incredible. That would be fantastic.
After reading what I went through those first 2 years – it’s amazing I survived. I do remember crying on the way home from work one night because I COULD NOT drink. I cried hard. I was so mad and so very sad. It was not the first time, nor the only time, but it is the one I remember most.
I remember the witching hour at work. I was consumed with thoughts of drinking. CONSUMED. And they lasted FOREVER. It truly is a ‘dig in your heels’ and wait it out thing. Hopefully there are those out there who have someone who can be there for them when that happens. Doing it alone is NOT recommended. It’s hard.
Thanks for reading/listening to me. I doubt there are many of you who remember me on this site. But if you are reading this, I wish you only the best and hope to read about your journey as well.
Until next time. . .