i remember when

Do you remember the first day when you realized you hadn’t thought about having a drink all day?  I’m not sure why, as I was falling asleep last night, this thought came to me.  I suppose because I didn’t think about drinking yesterday and got to thinking about how WONDERFUL that feels.  That, in turn, got me thinking about when I had my first “didn’t think about a drink all day” day.  Of course, I can’t remember the day, but it had to have been somewhere around the 150/200 day mark as I know it took a while this time. I may have written about it, but I’m not going to go back through all my posts and try to find it.  But, that feeling is so huge.  Knowing as you fall asleep on that night or waking up the next day and realize that you did not think about a drink all day long.  Such a wonderful thing.

I am now at 2 days without thinking about it, possibly 3.  (I’ll have to jot it down so I know for sure!! LOL)  I should probably be at more days but I know, even if it’s for a second, I do still think about it frequently.  So, I’m looking forward to when it’s 5 days or a week. . .

Well, that’s it.

Namaste 🙂

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belly up to the bar

Closing in on day 600 (next Thurs).  I’ve surpassed my previous milestone of around 550 days or whatever it was before I dove head first back into the drinking pool.  woop woop

Last night I was at Applebee’s for their Monday night 1/2 price burgers, belly up to the bar drinking a deliciously cold glass of water, waiting for my greasy burger and fries to arrive.  When, I saw out of the corner of my eye, the bartender clean up a shot glass from a patron and oh my. . . . .   For a moment, just a split second, my thoughts immediately went to asking the her (bartender) to serve me a shot of . . . whatever – didn’t matter.  I had this temporary feeling of relief, excitement, warmth, yum.  It was going to happen.  I felt it.  I was going to throw it all away again.  Then, poof.  The feeling was gone.  I shook my head (not literally) and thought WTF.  That’s SO not going to happen.  And life goes on.  I must say, though, it was a very scary at the same time really odd, feeling.  Seriously, that all happened in like 0.5 seconds.  How quickly that could have totally turned my life upside down.

Namaste y’all

 

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a day in the life

It has been awhile since I’ve actually focused on writing on my blog.  I’ve posted a few snippets these last few months, teasers and sneak peaks! Thought this time I would actually talk about real life events and handling stress without the “aid” (if that’s even what it is) of alcohol.

In January I had high hopes of eventually working remotely (from home) come May. Well, I could do it, but unfortunately it doesn’t work out well for my managers.  Gearing up for that move, I purchased a travel trailer (24′) the middle of February, and put it on my sister’s property in New Mexico (where I hope to eventually end up). Come April, I find out the working remotely idea is not going to happen.  Oh well, the trailer is now my vacation home. 🙂  Trying to put a positive spin on things 🙂

trailer

In April, I put my house on the rental market so that I could rent it out and make a little money on the side.  I moved into a mother-in-law apartment the middle of May.  A small 1 bedroom place while I rent out my 3 bedroom, 2 bath place.  Stresses involved here – I moved out BEFORE I had rented my place, so I was paying rent and my mortgage for May.  My place FINALLY rented on June 1st, thank goodness.  It was truly the 11th hour on this one. Total stresser.   For about 3 months in there (Apr, May, Jun), I was beyond hair pulling and panic attacks.  Think that’s why it hit so hard to have a drink.  See they’re bbbaaaccckkk.  I just wanted something to stop the chatter.  Something to relax me.  Bring on my best bud Jack for a night of drunken bliss.  But of course, that didn’t happen. And I survived.

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I finally started to wind down (note photo above at my new place), knowing things were on an even keel there the first of July.  So, began to enjoy the summer.  Went kayaking,

kayak 1

went hiking,

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

stayed in my new “vacation home” for a few nights, reaquainted myself with friends I hadn’t seen in many, many. . . . MANY years!! It was great!

Then BAM. . .

My landlords need to sell the house.  I have to move (seriously MOVE?) after it sells unless the buyers want to keep me as a renter.

Then BAM…

My neighbors from the ‘old’ neighborhood texted me that police were called to my house for a domestic dispute.  The woman left and has been taken off the lease.  Now the guy left there is the sole renter on my property.  Why would he need a 3 bedroom, 2 bath house? What if he up and leaves? Sure, I have the deposit and security stuff, but that leaves me with no renter again.

CAN I HAVE A DRINK NOW??!!??

I don’t think I’ve learned yet what to do when the shit hits the fan.  I mean, I’ve had stress and stuff happen before and dealt.  But this year has been rough.  Never thought about how to handle it.  It just happens and I move through it. Whereas pre-sober, I always just reached for a bottle, but now what?  Chamomile tea? blah, not a tea drinker.  Go for a run?  Not a runner. Ugh

And there you have it.  Life is full of ups and downs but reaching for a drink unfortunately is not the way to deal with those issues.  For now I’m using will power until I find what works best for me to ease the worry and stress. Sooner rather than later, huh?

Plus, since I started my sober journey back in Feb 2016, a candy bar or ice cream or Otter Pops (ice pops?) or cake or any thing sweet in the evening has been a part of my sobriety. Literally, every night. (Yes, I should weigh a zillion pounds). Now I am more addicted to sugar than I was to alcohol I think.  It’s horrible.  I use Coke/Dr Pepper, candy or other sugary food products to get through my day.  I’m a hyper mess.  And it is totally screwing with my health.  No doubt about it.

My goal to remove my vices, to avoid stresses and enjoy life in general?  No. 1 – don’t worry as that does absolutely no good; No. 2 – positive thoughts every day — it’s just one day at a time 🙂

Namaste and kudos to all you newbies reading!  It can be tough, but it is worth it. Promise!

~debbie

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happy 1 year and 6 months to me

Today is my 546th day of sobriety.   **ERROR ERROR –  I am a week early with this post!  haha   ERROR ERROR**

Some days are worse than others but for the most part, all is well on the sober front.  I know it’s been a while since I last checked in.   But when things are status quo, there’s not a whole lot to talk about.  Had some stresses in May that nearly killed me, but things have since mellowed out.  Been kayaking, hiking, traveling and working.  My 1st grand child turns 13 today.   Wow – a teenager!  And life goes on.

Love to read everyone’s posts.  Keep them coming!

 

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they’re bbbaaaccckkk

Those sucky, horrible monkey’s chattering in my head.  Oh you know the ones.  “Just go have a drink,” they say.  “Doesn’t a beer sound good tonight?” they snicker.  “Stop at Brewski’s and say hi.  Oh and while there, have them serve up your regular.  You know, the Jack and Coke?” they taunt.

I so want a drink.  I remind myself with my tattoo that I CANNOT go have a drink.  I am a Teetotaler, damnit.  I remind myself that I can’t just have one.  I remind myself that I am not a normal drinker.  I bring up visions of waking up at 3:00am with a throbbing headache and in desperate need of a glass of water (or 2).   But none of that really helps. I know what will happen, but it doesn’t stop the desire.  I’m pretty sure I won’t stop at the LQ or a bar, but the booze-hour has been hitting regularly in the afternoons for a week or so now.

MAKE IT GO AWAY

Sob sob, I hate it.  And what am I at now?   464 or so days  ugh

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happy easter

Hello all.  I see that new people are continuing to follow me and I think that is so cool.  I just feel bad because of my lack of posting something extraordinaire or fun or news worthy or posting at all!!!  hahaha

I am under a huge amount of stress at the moment.  Financial. . . . You’ve heard the saying “The more things change, the more they stay the same”?  Well, not true this time. They couldn’t have changed at a worse time and it is NOT the same.   In a few months from now, I will be settled one way or the other.  Must remain optimistic and be grateful for what I do have.

But because of the added stresses going on, my body has been reverting back to the old ways.  I think about drinking a little more now than I did, say, a month ago.  Not liking it at all.  I try to not to forget to eat in a timely matter;  I try not to get angry at my circumstances;  I try to get enough sleep but tired these days is my middle name.  So out of the acronym HALT, I am doing my best to control HA and T.  Fortunately for now L is not an issue (Loneliness).  Because of my battle with HA and T, the desire has creeped in.

The weather doesn’t help either.  With my frustration, I think how nice it would be to be sitting on an outside patio at a bar and enjoying a cocktail or 2 or 6.  I want to numb SO badly it hurts.  I just want the end of May to get here so I can be past this.

On a side note, I am really glad my tattoo is where I can see it.  It really helps to remind me that I AM a teetotaler.  I cannot forget, no matter the situation.

Namaste to all and I hope you get to enjoy your Easter Sunday with good friends and/or family.  I know I will be.

Hugs

teetotaler

keep going

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checking in

Thanks to all for your well wishes and congratulations on my 1 year mark.  I’ve been busy enough that I haven’t had time to think about drinking.  Thank God.  Must admit that occasionally my mind does wander when I pass my local watering holes – doing a remember when and how nice it would be to stop in.  But it’s only a remembrance and I keep driving.  No witching hour pangs.

I hate all the booze commercials on TV.  I get hit with the “if onlys” when I see those, but Coke has come out with a new one that seems to hit the booze ads in the gut for me.  The BBQ burgers and people enjoying their Coke not a beer 🙂  Every now and then, a Coke does hit the spot!!

All is good in the world.  It’s still there and will never go away, but I seem to have found a nailed box to keep it in that I put on the top shelf and forget about.  Yes, one day at a time, but the days are now much calmer.

Thanks all 🙂  Happy Thursday

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