o.m.g.

I can SO not believe how long it’s been since I’ve posted.  So many other things seem to creep in and then again, time just goes by, you know?

My last post was in September.  Just having recently come back from Iceland.

Now it’s frickin’ 2019.  And as of today, 3 years and 3 months –

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The first of the year, well, the end of February, I was diagnosed with Stage 1 breast cancer in my right breast and by March 20th, I was on the operating table.  They got it all and I am clean.  No radiation for this chica, but it was decided I needed to go through chemo.

The weeks between the diagnosis (Feb 28) and the surgery (Mar 20) were rough.  Can’t deny.  Everything was happening so quickly.  There was appointment after appointment, and ultrasound after ultrasound, the MRI’s then more biopsies.  It was a whirlwind.  Seeing the oncologist, the physical therapist, the plastic surgeon, the surgeon. . .

I was in denial, still am, but hey. . .  it is what it is.  I had only one breakdown on one day, and had I not been blubbering and sloppy I might have stopped somewhere to get booze.  But I was a wreck and wanted no one to see me the way I was.  I cried into the night, but tell you what – that Tuesday morning I felt awesome 🙂  Goes to show what a good cry can do for you.

I have no history of cancer in my family so it was very disconcerting to find out I had it. I read through as much info as I could get.  There is no way to determine the exact cause, but if I had to bet money on it, I would say it mostly likely happened because of all that I drank over those 40 years.  It was listed as a cause in a number of articles.  There were many other causes, but being that I drank heavily for most of my life, I felt it may have been a (large) contributing factor.

I have now seriously taken steps to decrease my sugar intake.  I used it as a crutch during my sobriety.  Each night was a candy bar or a bowl of ice cream or something sweet to curb the crave for alcohol.  And I’m not exaggerating.  Each night.  So, I marked my calendar on the day I quit.  I was good for about 2 weeks, then I started the chemo.  I may give myself a pass for the next 9 weeks, but I will watch myself.  And when chemo is over, sugar will once again start at Day 1.  It is an addictive substance (to which I am prone).  It has to go.

And there you have my life over the last 6 months.  If it’s not one thing, it’s something else.  I still want to drink.  I romanticize those evenings during the summer when I would have a glass(es) of wine on a patio bar with friends.  Having a glass of water just is NOT the same.

Namaste all

Stay strong 🙂

Debbie

 

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long time no write. . .

I was so involved in getting set up for my trip to Iceland that I didn’t have a chance to write any updates.  Not that many have happened.

It was wonderful to be on a vacation to such a great place without having to deal with alcohol.  Although Reykjavik is known for it’s party atmosphere and drinking.  The cost for a beer alone is $10 – burgers ran about $15 – So drinking was out of the question anyway as I was on a limited budget.

But recently, after being home I have had an increased desire to step out for a drink.  It’s been a strong urge – one of those where you almost don’t think about it.  It just grabs your brain and you almost head to the door without thought – ready to head to the nearest pub to satisfy that urge.  Then I would come to my senses, trying to determine what was causing this “need” for a drink.  It could boil down to either just being hungry or possibly lonely.  Either way, I so far have always chosen to stay home.

I’m at day 943

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still astounds me I’ve made it this far. . .

Namaste y’all

 

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odd how some things affect me

It’s been a stressful year – for me anyway.  Lots of moving, lots of planning for my trip to Iceland, lots of stress about my rental home, my 15 year old cat’s health is failing, I’m not feeling 100% or even CLOSE to that.

And that’s my summary 🙂

All this leading to my newest observation – I still need the sugar.  I’ll start at the beginning.

I began a new keto-like diet (Wahl’s Protocol) in March.  I wanted to see if eating no carbs and eating a more natural diet would help ease my RA symptoms as well as make me feel more awake and present.  I have been eating WAY TOO much sugar on a daily basis and wanted to stop that craving.

This was all while living in a double garage being renovated into a 1 bedroom apartment. The apartment had no kitchen yet and no hot water.  Fortunately, it was my daughter’s home so I could go cook over there, use her refrigerator and take showers.  But what a hassle.  Not conducive to meal prep but I did the best I could.

I also hired a personal trainer to help get me in shape for my Iceland trip coming up mid-summer.  So I’ve been working out 2x’s a week with him and hiking (rappelling, canyoneering) on the weekends.   Trying to stay on a good diet while doing all this just wasn’t helpful.  And not having the carbs to keep my energy levels up was noticeable.

Then I moved again into a real apartment that had a shower and kitchen :).   I am so tired of moving.  Anyway, with all this happening, I found all I could think about was going to a bar and getting a drink.  The stress was killing me and having no sugar made me think about alcohol.   It was so tempting.  It was like, in my head, I was thinking “Well, if I can’t have the ice cream/candy bar/chocolate, then I’ll go have a drink”  You’d think after 2 years and 5 months, that wouldn’t come up.  But it did.  It was not the usual witching hour or craving, it was just the desire to “stop my madness” with all the moves and changes and go sit in a bar and drink.  Seemed like a normal conclusion and it shouldn’t be.

So, of course, I went out and bought a gallon of ice cream.  So much for no sugar.  That was scary and I’d rather crave the sugar than the alcohol.  Can’t believe that after all this time, I still need something.

Hopefully, now being in a place with no renovations, I can settle back into a routine of good eating and healthy living!  haha

Thanks for listening

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my next steps

As most of you know, when you were drinking you were consuming lots of sugars (especially from the wine).  When you quit drinking, your body screamed for sugar in Cokes, candy, cakes, etc.  You know what I’m talking about, right?

Well, some people can disengage from the addiction to sugar quickly.  Give them 6 months or so and they don’t feel the need to keep up the sugar intake.

Me, on the other hand, I am SO addicted to sugar it’s now become a big deal.  I quit drinking in early February 2016.  My after meal treats started consisted of either:  a full sized candy bar or a huge bowl of ice cream (and whipping cream if handy) or fresh baked cookies or a run to Dairy Queen for a small Butterfinger Blizzard.  Whatever I could get my hands on.  And yes, this was nightly.  It became where I was looking for the 7-Eleven on the way home instead of the LQ so I could get my sugar fix.  Not horribly scary but scary enough.  I tried to quit after about a year free from drinking and could not do it.

Well, it’s been 2 years and 3 months since my last drink and I think it’s time to set my sights on not eating sugar for a while.  You know, strip it from my life as completely as possible then add a little back in at a time until I get to a reasonable intake.

Anyone out there have the same issue as me?  Please share!

So I’ve decided I need a total diet change and I’ve started a Paleo type diet using Wahl’s Protocol as a guide but limiting my sugar intake – that means no fruit.  As some of you know, I also have RA and the inflammation in my hands has gotten worse.  My fatigue is another issue.  I could go on and on with my list of ailments. . .  But I will not 🙂

What I’m getting at is I’ve decided to clean up my diet – especially the processed and sugary foods – to see if that helps my overall health.

So, here’s to saying “Baa Bye” sugar addiction – you are the next thing to go 🙂  Wish me luck!

 

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2 years came and went

and I hardly noticed.  Don’t know if I should have made a big deal about it or not.  I still have some deep thoughts about wanting a drink.  I talk myself out of it rather quickly but the thoughts are STILL there.  I want to relax like I did before but without the continued drinking.  I know I can’t and that’s what stops me from even starting.  I just haven’t found whatever it is that can help me ‘unwind’ at the end of a day like a couple glasses of wine.  aaaahhhh

But on to more exciting stuff.  I’m headed to Iceland this summer for 16 days.  So E.X.C.I.T.E.D.!!!

I will be blogging about it.  I am still trying to figure out a way to upload the photos so they are “real time” but I won’t have a laptop, and I’m using a ‘real’ Canon camera – not my iPhone.  Although the phone may be what I use so some of the pix get on the blog!

My first post goes out April 1 and will continue with a post every few weeks until the big event.  Go to wanderlust after 60 after April 1.

Because of having 2 years of sobriety and feeling more aware and in the “now”, I have the strength and wherewithall to do things like skydiving and rappeling and now, hiking Iceland.

Hope you will join me on my newest adventure!

Namaste,

D

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happy new year

Hadn’t realized so much time has slipped by since I last put fingers to keypad.  But that happens when life takes over and alcohol is not in the picture.

It’s not really been busy, but things occur.  Broke a bone in my elbow the first of November; went to New Mexico over the Thanksgiving holiday to see my sister and some friends, went hiking and also stayed in my travel trailer; went to NYC for a company holiday party and did some site seeing; drove to Nebraska to see my son, daughter-in-law and 2 adorable grandkids for Christmas; then the first of the year, got some sort of flu.   I tested negative but I was sick with a virus nonetheless.  First time I have been that sick in a very, very. . . . very long time.

And here it is, mid-January AND it’s 2018.  Who’da thunk?  Two (2) years for me is just around the corner – 11 more days.  Wowzers, right?  That 4pm witching hour still hits from time to time.  It always goes away after some firm mental blasting on my end.  Annoying for sure.  There is nothing that I’ve found (so far) that takes off that edge/ relaxes me more than that first glass of something.  I miss that.  Don’t miss drinks 2 and beyond though. . .

Christmas was a little rough.  Drinks ran amok the whole 3 days – Mimosas, scotch, wine, beer, you name it.  It wasn’t horrible, but man how I would have liked to have shared in a glass or two.  But, I did not.

My goal for this year?  I am headed to Iceland in August and need to get back in the workout routine to gain my strength back to go hiking while there.   Don’t know about you, but I cannot workout with a hangover.  So another plus to not drink!!

Chin up to those just getting started.  It does get easier.  For some easier than others, but don’t give up!

 

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i remember when

Do you remember the first day when you realized you hadn’t thought about having a drink all day?  I’m not sure why, as I was falling asleep last night, this thought came to me.  I suppose because I didn’t think about drinking yesterday and got to thinking about how WONDERFUL that feels.  That, in turn, got me thinking about when I had my first “didn’t think about a drink all day” day.  Of course, I can’t remember the day, but it had to have been somewhere around the 150/200 day mark as I know it took a while this time. I may have written about it, but I’m not going to go back through all my posts and try to find it.  But, that feeling is so huge.  Knowing as you fall asleep on that night or waking up the next day and realize that you did not think about a drink all day long.  Such a wonderful thing.

I am now at 2 days without thinking about it, possibly 3.  (I’ll have to jot it down so I know for sure!! LOL)  I should probably be at more days but I know, even if it’s for a second, I do still think about it frequently.  So, I’m looking forward to when it’s 5 days or a week. . .

Well, that’s it.

Namaste 🙂

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